Aries: No good deed goes unpunished, but with you, the universe doesn’t even have a reason to take off his belt. Go ahead, try something kinky this week like being nice. You might get into it.
Taurus: Your views are carved in stone so long, you’ve accused the Great Pyramid of being too flexible. Time to make some changes, before the Sphinx hits the fan.
Gemini: A little bird is spilling your secrets all over town. Either silence that magpie or own up to that weekend with the chicken and the batteries. What’s good for the goose can get you in trouble even in Vegas.
Cancer: Friends are like flowers in a garden; sometimes you just want to pinch their heads off. Before you call a spade a spade, think about who’s really the hoe.
Leo: Your short-sighted ways work perfectly with karma’s cataracts on Wednesday. The day may be a blur, but you won’t need 20/20 hindsight for the effects.
Virgo: A midnight confession ends up on YouTube, but you can ride it out. Humiliation is like ripping off a Band-Aid, it only stings until the permanent scar sets in.
Libra: Someone new throws a wrench into your plans, but you still like the shape of their toolbox. Polish that screwdriver and get ready for some hot handyman action.
Scorpio: Regretting that tequila-habenero chili burger with extra peppers? Don’t worry, this too shall pass. When it does, you may discover a new form of jet propulsion.
Sagittarius: Lately you’ve been like a caffeinated squirrel on Twitter: short bursts of nonsense followed by maniacal laughter. Luckily, that’s how everyone behaves on social media, so no one has noticed. Get a grip before the rest of the jittery pack catches on.
Capricorn: Who can compare apples and oranges when you’re bringing mangoes and kiwifruit to the table? Sort through your own basket before you start shoving those melons in people’s faces. And please, don’t buy plastic melons. Everyone can tell they’re fake.
Aquarius: Life may be about the journey, but that doesn’t mean you can’t shack up at a plush rest stop once in a while. Throw out some cushions and put your feet up, just don’t get caught with your pants down.
Pisces: A watched pot never boils; glaring at it just makes the rest of the pans nervous. Give them some privacy and go microwave a burrito for lunch. Applying first aid to your tongue will keep you busy for a while.