Aries: You’re the winner, winner, chicken dinner this week, which sucks if you’re vegetarian. Just invite the chicken over for some popcorn and a “Real Housewives” marathon.  That will be traumatic enough.

Taurus: Not everyone likes your new “devil may care” attitude, especially the angels in your life. Tone it down or you’ll be looking up “awkward halo removal” on WebMD.

Gemini: One bad apple may spoil the bunch, but if you leave them all alone in the right conditions, you’ll have apple wine. Just don’t try the same technique to get a steak Chablis.

Cancer: If you stick your head into the lion’s face, it’s not going to just give you butterfly kisses and sing you a heartfelt song. Consider that before you risk a few CNN headlines by checking the big cat’s breath.

Leo: So you’re out of the game for a while. You may be out of the camera shot, but there are advantages to being on the sidelines. Like cheerleaders.

Virgo: Your charms could pull ships in from the sea, so why are you settling for some ugly-ass tugboats? Aim those harbor lights on something sleek, sweet and expensive, like a yacht. Leave the cruise ships alone, though. You don’t have enough vitamins.

Libra: Your next big idea will chug through this week, so be alert. You might miss it because it’s hiding in a herd of weird little losers. Keep the pen and paper handy.

Scorpio: Trying to attract the honeys, but your mojo is low on juice? Get a transfusion on Thursday by hanging out with someone cooler, smarter and richer. If your ego can survive that, you’ll be irresistible.

Sagittarius: It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it? Get out and circulate with some friends so that dark mood will lift. It’s better to be in the newspaper with a goofy smile instead of an orange jumpsuit.

Capricorn: Lately, your love life is like a candy bar left on the car dashboard: it’s gooey and sticky, but for the wrong reasons. Put away the lotion and cruise the grocery store for a little while. You might meet someone, and you also need new candy.

Aquarius: Not everyone agrees with your worldview, but that’s okay. People just aren’t ready to believe the earth is a Rubik’s Cube and we just need to cheat by moving the stickers. Keep writing those opinions; they may not win a Nobel Prize, but they make us laugh, and isn’t that the best medicine of all?

Pisces: You shouldn’t be depressed for no reason. Go out, meet people, and talk to them for a while. Then you’ll have lots of reasons to be depressed.

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