Eeep! An alert reader smacked me with a cluestick and rightly so! Sorry that these didn’t post Monday, but you can compare these with how your week went. As a bonus, I’m posting next week’s horoscopes early!

Aries: Too many cooks spoil the broth, but only you could screw up boiling water. Check your recipe again and this time, include a pan. You’ll need fewer trips to the doctor that way.

Taurus: Boy, when you let your hair down, you really go all the way. No wonder they call you “Dances With Werewolves” at the Halloween party. Now go find your friend’s other eye.

Gemini: All that glitters is not gold. Sometimes it’s a vampire sneaking up on you in the park. Give him a wedgie he’ll never forget and send his sparkly butt home.

Cancer: Are you all worked up over the zombie apocalypse? Relax. You should be far more worried about the neighbor kid with the camera and his own website.

Leo: If you can’t follow the beat, change the tune. If you can’t change the tune, open a can of whoop-ass on the orchestra until they play something you can dance to; don’t worry, they’re musicians, they are used to it.

Virgo: Consider making an eye appointment. This is the third time this week you’ve woken up with a llama while dressed in edible underwear. You need a larger size of licorice undies, those are way too small for you.

Libra: Expect a challenge at work. You can settle this with a duel by Sharpie in the breakroom. Bring that extra wide one; you know, the one you sniff when the boss yells at you.

Scorpio: You have a shot a true love this week. Don’t blow it by letting your real personality shine through. Fake it until they’re too enraptured by your charm. No, we couldn’t keep a straight face through that, either.

Sagittarius: You have a brilliant idea to make money on Wednesday, but is the world ready for a salad spinner with wi-fi and iPhone capability? Yes. Yes, it is. You have a brilliant idea to make money on Wednesday, but is the world ready for a salad spinner with wi-fi and iPhone capability? Oh yes.

Capricorn: The universe fills your pumpkin with treats this year, so don’t look a gift ghost in the mouth when you receive an occasional popcorn ball. Just say thank you and use it as an ant trap.

Aquarius: Sometimes life is beautiful and sparkling. Other times, you need beer goggles just to make the day doable. Make peace with a few goodhearted but ugly truths and you’ll end up with fewer hangovers.

Pisces: Romance calls to you this week. Try to be serious and don’t answer the phone by shouting a Monty Python “Helloooo!” Unless, of course, they’re into that kind of thing. If that’s the case, you’ve found your soulmate.