Aries: You’re about to discover that rough patches in life can be smoothed over with a heaping helping of elbow grease. No, it’s not fast, but it will keep you out of trouble until the job is done.
Taurus: Hoping for a bird of paradise but all you got was another turkey? Whoever said the road to love was easy must have been snorting rose petals. Besides, those exotic birds are high-maintenance. Look for someone of your feather so you can flock together.
Gemini: On Friday, your day will be looking up! If you’re lucky, it doesn’t do it under a pigeon who’s just had lunch. Goggles would be a good idea.
Cancer: Lately the universe has seen you as a bratty kid with a magnifying glass and a penchant for anthills. Be careful on Thursday, karma’s packing a laser with your name on it. Do a few good deeds so you’ll only be toasted around the edges.
Leo: Not all who are born with wings are destined to fly, but that doesn’t stop them from buying a first-class ticket and hitting the clouds. Your dreams are only limited by your imagination and your debit card. After all, you can live on peanuts, right?
Virgo: You’re going to enjoy a very good Tuesday, a Wednesday that’s fresh and organic, and a Thursday that you’ll consume halfway before shoving it to the back of the fridge. Friday’s covered in cling wrap.
Libra: There’s a goal in your mind, so why not go for it! Bring it on like Donkey Kong and jump a few barrels to snag your princess. You may not keep her, but at least you’ll level up.
Scorpio: You’re feeling more exposed than a goldfish in the water cooler. Swimming for higher ground isn’t an option, but you might escape this situation by hiding in someone’s travel mug.
Sagittarius: You have the handcuffs, grape jelly and feather duster, now you just need someone to share it with. Go to the discount warehouse and watch for cuties buying tubs of peanut butter; you’ll find a perfect match.
Capricorn: A penny saved is a penny earned, and that’s about all you have left at the end of the day. Suit up and ask for a raise. If you get canned, you still have that penny to fall back on.
Aquarius: This week, your life’s been weirder than a Scrabble game in Esperanto. Why fight it? Go native and rule as the biggest freak in the land.
Pisces: If you’re tired of witches and goblins and think it ended with Halloween, think again. You’ll still have to talk to your family, especially with Thanksgiving just around the corner.