You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November 2011.
Aries: You have all the tact of a charging bull, but someone’s found a red cape and they are making you hoof it like a Solid Gold dancer. Take the ring out of your nose and calmly solve your problem before you get the pointy end of the stick.
Taurus: Still waters run deep, but your thoughts aren’t even enough to get someone’s feet wet this week. Quit dreaming about a life in the circus; there’s more to your philosophy, Horatio, than a tiny car full of clowns.
Gemini: Your family is like a fruitcake: full of fruits and nuts, but tolerable with enough brandy. Keep that in mind on Thursday, because it’s very hard to re-gift your relatives.
Cancer: Joy will land in your heart on Wednesday, and then she’ll probably hold you down and give you a noogie. Hand over your lunch money before she breaks out the purple nurples.
Leo: If you want a perfect holiday, buy a picture or hire a publicist. Until then, just be glad there are enough weird people willing to be around you that long.
Virgo: Your patience has the same lifespan as a bag of cheese puffs in a mancave. Why fight it? Grab some pigskin and learn more about your sweetie’s hobby. If that fails, try football.
Libra: All those pleas to the universe have paid off: on Friday, you will score the ultimate holiday bargain. Don’t brag, it just makes the little people jealous.
Scorpio: No matter how convincing those infomercials are, you do not need a hair-cutting tool for your vacuum. You’ll just look like a bad accident between Snooki and a lawn mower, so put that credit card away and quit drinking after five.
Sagittarius: Expect a surprise in the workplace this week; could be a bonus check, or just someone’s leftover sub sandwich in the fridge. Either way, it’s a score!
Capricorn: Thomas Jefferson once said “You can’t believe everything on the Internet,” and he was right. Go back to listening to the toaster, it has more wisdom to share than the comments on a blog page.
Aquarius: If you’ve been doing good just to get good stuff back to you, well, sorry. Karma isn’t like Green Stamps. Try doing something nice just because it’s the right thing to do, and see what happens after that.
Pisces: If you always look on the bright side, you’ll get squinty and develop the urge to listen to The Carpenters. Put on some sarcastic sunglasses; they will serve you well in life.
Aries: No good deed goes unpunished, but with you, the universe doesn’t even have a reason to take off his belt. Go ahead, try something kinky this week like being nice. You might get into it.
Taurus: Your views are carved in stone so long, you’ve accused the Great Pyramid of being too flexible. Time to make some changes, before the Sphinx hits the fan.
Gemini: A little bird is spilling your secrets all over town. Either silence that magpie or own up to that weekend with the chicken and the batteries. What’s good for the goose can get you in trouble even in Vegas.
Cancer: Friends are like flowers in a garden; sometimes you just want to pinch their heads off. Before you call a spade a spade, think about who’s really the hoe.
Leo: Your short-sighted ways work perfectly with karma’s cataracts on Wednesday. The day may be a blur, but you won’t need 20/20 hindsight for the effects.
Virgo: A midnight confession ends up on YouTube, but you can ride it out. Humiliation is like ripping off a Band-Aid, it only stings until the permanent scar sets in.
Libra: Someone new throws a wrench into your plans, but you still like the shape of their toolbox. Polish that screwdriver and get ready for some hot handyman action.
Scorpio: Regretting that tequila-habenero chili burger with extra peppers? Don’t worry, this too shall pass. When it does, you may discover a new form of jet propulsion.
Sagittarius: Lately you’ve been like a caffeinated squirrel on Twitter: short bursts of nonsense followed by maniacal laughter. Luckily, that’s how everyone behaves on social media, so no one has noticed. Get a grip before the rest of the jittery pack catches on.
Capricorn: Who can compare apples and oranges when you’re bringing mangoes and kiwifruit to the table? Sort through your own basket before you start shoving those melons in people’s faces. And please, don’t buy plastic melons. Everyone can tell they’re fake.
Aquarius: Life may be about the journey, but that doesn’t mean you can’t shack up at a plush rest stop once in a while. Throw out some cushions and put your feet up, just don’t get caught with your pants down.
Pisces: A watched pot never boils; glaring at it just makes the rest of the pans nervous. Give them some privacy and go microwave a burrito for lunch. Applying first aid to your tongue will keep you busy for a while.
Aries: You’re the winner, winner, chicken dinner this week, which sucks if you’re vegetarian. Just invite the chicken over for some popcorn and a “Real Housewives” marathon. That will be traumatic enough.
Taurus: Not everyone likes your new “devil may care” attitude, especially the angels in your life. Tone it down or you’ll be looking up “awkward halo removal” on WebMD.
Gemini: One bad apple may spoil the bunch, but if you leave them all alone in the right conditions, you’ll have apple wine. Just don’t try the same technique to get a steak Chablis.
Cancer: If you stick your head into the lion’s face, it’s not going to just give you butterfly kisses and sing you a heartfelt song. Consider that before you risk a few CNN headlines by checking the big cat’s breath.
Leo: So you’re out of the game for a while. You may be out of the camera shot, but there are advantages to being on the sidelines. Like cheerleaders.
Virgo: Your charms could pull ships in from the sea, so why are you settling for some ugly-ass tugboats? Aim those harbor lights on something sleek, sweet and expensive, like a yacht. Leave the cruise ships alone, though. You don’t have enough vitamins.
Libra: Your next big idea will chug through this week, so be alert. You might miss it because it’s hiding in a herd of weird little losers. Keep the pen and paper handy.
Scorpio: Trying to attract the honeys, but your mojo is low on juice? Get a transfusion on Thursday by hanging out with someone cooler, smarter and richer. If your ego can survive that, you’ll be irresistible.
Sagittarius: It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it? Get out and circulate with some friends so that dark mood will lift. It’s better to be in the newspaper with a goofy smile instead of an orange jumpsuit.
Capricorn: Lately, your love life is like a candy bar left on the car dashboard: it’s gooey and sticky, but for the wrong reasons. Put away the lotion and cruise the grocery store for a little while. You might meet someone, and you also need new candy.
Aquarius: Not everyone agrees with your worldview, but that’s okay. People just aren’t ready to believe the earth is a Rubik’s Cube and we just need to cheat by moving the stickers. Keep writing those opinions; they may not win a Nobel Prize, but they make us laugh, and isn’t that the best medicine of all?
Pisces: You shouldn’t be depressed for no reason. Go out, meet people, and talk to them for a while. Then you’ll have lots of reasons to be depressed.
Aries: You’re about to discover that rough patches in life can be smoothed over with a heaping helping of elbow grease. No, it’s not fast, but it will keep you out of trouble until the job is done.
Taurus: Hoping for a bird of paradise but all you got was another turkey? Whoever said the road to love was easy must have been snorting rose petals. Besides, those exotic birds are high-maintenance. Look for someone of your feather so you can flock together.
Gemini: On Friday, your day will be looking up! If you’re lucky, it doesn’t do it under a pigeon who’s just had lunch. Goggles would be a good idea.
Cancer: Lately the universe has seen you as a bratty kid with a magnifying glass and a penchant for anthills. Be careful on Thursday, karma’s packing a laser with your name on it. Do a few good deeds so you’ll only be toasted around the edges.
Leo: Not all who are born with wings are destined to fly, but that doesn’t stop them from buying a first-class ticket and hitting the clouds. Your dreams are only limited by your imagination and your debit card. After all, you can live on peanuts, right?
Virgo: You’re going to enjoy a very good Tuesday, a Wednesday that’s fresh and organic, and a Thursday that you’ll consume halfway before shoving it to the back of the fridge. Friday’s covered in cling wrap.
Libra: There’s a goal in your mind, so why not go for it! Bring it on like Donkey Kong and jump a few barrels to snag your princess. You may not keep her, but at least you’ll level up.
Scorpio: You’re feeling more exposed than a goldfish in the water cooler. Swimming for higher ground isn’t an option, but you might escape this situation by hiding in someone’s travel mug.
Sagittarius: You have the handcuffs, grape jelly and feather duster, now you just need someone to share it with. Go to the discount warehouse and watch for cuties buying tubs of peanut butter; you’ll find a perfect match.
Capricorn: A penny saved is a penny earned, and that’s about all you have left at the end of the day. Suit up and ask for a raise. If you get canned, you still have that penny to fall back on.
Aquarius: This week, your life’s been weirder than a Scrabble game in Esperanto. Why fight it? Go native and rule as the biggest freak in the land.
Pisces: If you’re tired of witches and goblins and think it ended with Halloween, think again. You’ll still have to talk to your family, especially with Thanksgiving just around the corner.
Eeep! An alert reader smacked me with a cluestick and rightly so! Sorry that these didn’t post Monday, but you can compare these with how your week went. As a bonus, I’m posting next week’s horoscopes early!
Aries: Too many cooks spoil the broth, but only you could screw up boiling water. Check your recipe again and this time, include a pan. You’ll need fewer trips to the doctor that way.
Taurus: Boy, when you let your hair down, you really go all the way. No wonder they call you “Dances With Werewolves” at the Halloween party. Now go find your friend’s other eye.
Gemini: All that glitters is not gold. Sometimes it’s a vampire sneaking up on you in the park. Give him a wedgie he’ll never forget and send his sparkly butt home.
Cancer: Are you all worked up over the zombie apocalypse? Relax. You should be far more worried about the neighbor kid with the camera and his own website.
Leo: If you can’t follow the beat, change the tune. If you can’t change the tune, open a can of whoop-ass on the orchestra until they play something you can dance to; don’t worry, they’re musicians, they are used to it.
Virgo: Consider making an eye appointment. This is the third time this week you’ve woken up with a llama while dressed in edible underwear. You need a larger size of licorice undies, those are way too small for you.
Libra: Expect a challenge at work. You can settle this with a duel by Sharpie in the breakroom. Bring that extra wide one; you know, the one you sniff when the boss yells at you.
Scorpio: You have a shot a true love this week. Don’t blow it by letting your real personality shine through. Fake it until they’re too enraptured by your charm. No, we couldn’t keep a straight face through that, either.
Sagittarius: You have a brilliant idea to make money on Wednesday, but is the world ready for a salad spinner with wi-fi and iPhone capability? Yes. Yes, it is. You have a brilliant idea to make money on Wednesday, but is the world ready for a salad spinner with wi-fi and iPhone capability? Oh yes.
Capricorn: The universe fills your pumpkin with treats this year, so don’t look a gift ghost in the mouth when you receive an occasional popcorn ball. Just say thank you and use it as an ant trap.
Aquarius: Sometimes life is beautiful and sparkling. Other times, you need beer goggles just to make the day doable. Make peace with a few goodhearted but ugly truths and you’ll end up with fewer hangovers.
Pisces: Romance calls to you this week. Try to be serious and don’t answer the phone by shouting a Monty Python “Helloooo!” Unless, of course, they’re into that kind of thing. If that’s the case, you’ve found your soulmate.