Aries: You’re living in someone else’s shadow, true. Before you pack up and move, think about this: the shade’s nice, you don’t get sunburned, and you’re probably living there rent-free. Do you really want to give up all that just for a snootful of hot, sweaty personal responsibility?
Taurus: Recently your life has had more twists and turns than an origami duck. Don’t forget who you are; it may walk and quack, but it’s still a dollar bill someone’s weird uncle left as a birthday present. You’re money, baby.
Gemini: Into every life a little rain must fall. But not yours, because you scored the biggest golf umbrella on the planet. Seriously, you could hide the Duggars under there. Enjoy the dry weather under that yurt on a stick, but remember to let your honey under there, too, because the doghouse isn’t as cozy.
Cancer: If you listen to vibes, then you should pick up a really big one on Thursday. As long as you’re not standing next to a giant sub-woofer, it could be legit.
Leo: Congratulations! You’ve achieved mind-body harmony. They’re both breaking down. Take some time off, grab a beer and turn on the X-Factor. That will give your brain and your butt a good rest.
Virgo: Always remember that you’re a special little snowflake, much different than the other six billion snowflakes on the planet. The rules don’t apply to you, so you’ll be a bit surprised when the avalanche comes.
Libra: Not everyone appreciates a good wine and a good joke, which is why Old Milwaukee and Adam Sandler are so popular. Lower your standards and you’ll find a whole new group of friends to annoy you.
Scorpio: You’ve taken one for the team so often, your name is written on the coach’s bathroom wall. Quit being the whipping boy and start your own league. Don’t worry about the “I” in team, just focus on the “me.”
Sagittarius: Good news arrives on Wednesday. It may not be for you, but it’s good for someone. Enjoy the vicarious thrill.
Capricorn: You couldn’t catch a break if you walked through a karate class. Bow to your sensei and relax in the new jammies; your luck will change soon, especially if Miss Piggy is in your study group. Hi-yah!
Aquarius: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but everyone apparently invites it in for tea and a cookie. Just say no to the Iron Maiden; you’ve got more fight in you than a week of Jerry Springer re-runs.
Pisces: No one may get the painting you did of a dream inspired by a song remade by a Lady Gaga drag queen, but that’s okay. If people understood you, what would be the point?