Aries: Some days you’re the poop, some days you’re the scoop, but you’re still waiting for your day as top dog. Sniff a couple more butts and it could happen on Thursday. Remember, no biting!

Taurus: Quit thinking you’re invincible, stud. Your enemies just have bad aim. Make amends before their pitching arm gets better just from all the practice, because some of those rocks could really mess up your hair.

Gemini: If things are going smoothly in your life, you obviously haven’t spent much time with your family. Give them a couple hours on Wednesday to tell you what you’ve done wrong. It will keep you from being uppity when the really good stuff comes next week.

Cancer: The fact that a George Foreman grill just whizzed past your head could mean that your sweetie is unhappy with you. First, find out what’s wrong before they pick up the mini-fridge. Next, find out what workout routine they’re using, because it takes a lot to toss those appliances around.

Leo: You’re looking at just one mirror instead of five, so you must be feeling rather contemplative this week. It’s good to review your life occasionally, as long as you don’t hit ‘pause’ and make everyone watch your best bits over and over again.

Virgo: To you, the road is straight and narrow. To others, it’s a deluxe Hot Wheels ramp, ready for some automotive stunt driving. Unless you want tire tracks up your back, pull over and let Speed Buggy past. You can putt-putt by the wreck and stick out your tongue later.

Libra: The universe will smile on you for five minutes on Thursday afternoon, so have that wild-haired plan ready to go at a moment’s notice. If you’re lucky, it will work out like a crazy sitcom scheme. If you’re not, it still works like a crazy sitcom scheme.

Scorpio: If the proof is in the pudding, you need better Band-Aids to keep those hangnails on. Take the family out to eat for dinner.

Sagittarius: If you have a secret, it’s because you haven’t seen anyone yet this morning. Go ahead, let it out. Someone was bound to see it on YouTube anyway. It’s not like you know the llama personally.

Capricorn: Don’t take any wooden nickels. If you still find some in your change, check your pockets for Viagra.

Aquarius: You’ve been through a lot lately, and the universe just found a crumpled 2-for-1 coupon in its wallet. Could be for ice cream or a rectal exam, but hey, it’s a freebie. Enjoy.

Pisces: Reality isn’t a constant for you. It’s an outfit: sometimes you wear it, sometimes you don’t. Kick back in your boxer shorts for a few days. All the suits will be envious.

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