Aries: There’s a fine line between sucking up to the boss and restraining order, and you’re dancing along it like a jaded circus performer. Don’t become too blasé; if you fall without a net, you’ll end up in a very compromising position with the bearded lady.

Taurus: You may be headstrong and cocksure, but neither one of those will point you in the right direction. Take a cold shower and listen to your heart. It deserves the last word.

Gemini: Not only have you found your groove, you’ve moved in and assembled an IKEA entertainment center in there. Don’t get too comfortable; grooves are like beach houses in hurricane season. They don’t last forever.

Cancer: Be careful, that personal magnetism is high this week. It’s fine when hot young things are attracted to you, not so great when it’s livestock instead of Kardashians.

Leo: You’re the king of the world, but you don’t need to hold chicks off the front of the ship to prove it. Make a sharp turn to toss any posers overboard, and go back to torpedoing icebergs.

Virgo: It’s true, if everyone did what you said, the world would run smoother and on time. But life isn’t a Japanese train schedule; some of the best things are late and messy, so get your hands dirty for a change.

Libra: While your sense of style is stunning, your timing could use some work. Give the catcher’s mitt and condom dress back to Lady Gaga and try something less heart attack-inducing for the next church social.

Scorpio: A rare beam of light will brighten your dark mood this week, but be cautious: it could be an innocent sunbeam full of hope or the tractor beam the aliens use to drag you up to the ship for another probe. Go commando, just in case.

Sagittarius: Feeling fuzzy and strung out? It’s no wonder; you’ve been running around like a Muppet on crack for weeks. Slow down and get into some Gonzo rehab before Sam the Eagle takes you down.

Capricorn: It’s natural for you to push people and test limits, but even hard-headed goats have weak spots. Back off your most recent fight unless you want to end up in someone’s stew.

Aquarius: You deserve a quiet moment of contemplation; too bad you won’t get one this week. Calgon will only take you away if you strap it to the plane you’re boarding.

Pisces: You know what they say about the unexamined life, so why do you keep yours waiting in that paper gown on the cold metal table? Snap those latex gloves, lube up and get in there.

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