Aries: You’re looking for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but you’ll be lucky to find a quarter in the parking lot. The universal ATM may be empty for you now, but there’s a cash withdrawal in your future soon.
Taurus: Knowing it all may be great for you, but it annoys the crap out of everyone else. Let someone else answer the questions for a while. You can step in and save the day after they screw it up.
Gemini: One good turn deserves another, but you’re spinning like a windmill. Step back from the karma-go-round for a couple of turns until the dizziness subsides.
Cancer: Whether you believe you will win or fail, you are right. Unless your idea is so hare-brained, it will fail no matter what you do. In that case, just settle for being a cautionary tale to the rest of us.
Leo: You light up any room you walk into and your touch is electric. Do everyone a favor and quit dragging your feet across the carpet. Your personality is shocking enough.
Virgo: You know what you want. What are you waiting for, an engraved invitation? Consider this your “Go get ‘em” text from the universe. Unless, of course, the text is attached to a naked picture. Then it’s probably from your skank friend.
Libra: Tired of the dragons? Fine, you’ll have one complete day of unicorns, glitter and rainbows. Beware, though, the unicorn has a temper and good aim, and the stripper will need that glitter back at the end of the day.
Scorpio: On Wednesday, you catch a break. Be sure to hold it by the scruff of the neck and don’t let it bite you in the butt. If you treat it right, you just might get that promotion. If not, hope you have a good friend who doesn’t mind bandaging your tuckus.
Sagittarius: Sure, there’s a better day coming, but why wait until then to be happy? Smile during Tuesday’s little disasters. It will impress your friends and scare the crap out of your enemies. Hmmm, could be a good day after all.
Capricorn: Sometimes you just have to hunker down and get stuff finished. Sense of satisfaction for a job well done? Ha. Perk yourself up with the promise of beer, porn or chocolate at the end of your difficult day.
Aquarius: Thursday is employee evaluation day from the universe. Expect a good review, plus a request for improvement. Promise to not photocopy your junk again and post it on the bulletin board, and you should be fine.
Pisces: In every life a little rain must fall, but not yours, not yet. You have a huge umbrella and you wield it like a ninja.