You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2011.

Aries: You’re living in someone else’s shadow, true. Before you pack up and move, think about this: the shade’s nice, you don’t get sunburned, and you’re probably living there rent-free. Do you really want to give up all that just for a snootful of hot, sweaty personal responsibility?

Taurus:  Recently your life has had more twists and turns than an origami duck. Don’t forget who you are; it may walk and quack, but it’s still a dollar bill someone’s weird uncle left as a birthday present. You’re money, baby.

Gemini:  Into every life a little rain must fall. But not yours, because you scored the biggest golf umbrella on the planet. Seriously, you could hide the Duggars under there. Enjoy the dry weather under that yurt on a stick, but remember to let your honey under there, too, because the doghouse  isn’t as cozy.

Cancer: If you listen to vibes, then you should pick up a really big one on Thursday. As long as you’re not standing next to a giant sub-woofer, it could be legit.

Leo: Congratulations! You’ve achieved mind-body harmony. They’re both breaking down. Take some time off, grab a beer and turn on the X-Factor. That will give your brain and your butt a good rest.

Virgo: Always remember that you’re a special little snowflake, much different than the other six billion snowflakes on the planet. The rules don’t apply to you, so you’ll be a bit surprised when the avalanche comes.

Libra: Not everyone appreciates a good wine and a good joke, which is why Old Milwaukee and Adam Sandler are so popular. Lower your standards and you’ll find a whole new group of friends to annoy you.

Scorpio: You’ve taken one for the team so often, your name is written on the coach’s bathroom wall. Quit being the whipping boy and start your own league. Don’t worry about the “I” in team, just focus on the “me.”

Sagittarius: Good news arrives on Wednesday. It may not be for you, but it’s good for someone. Enjoy the vicarious thrill.

Capricorn: You couldn’t catch a break if you walked through a karate class. Bow to your sensei and relax in the new jammies; your luck will change soon, especially if Miss Piggy is in your study group. Hi-yah!

Aquarius:  No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but everyone apparently invites it in for tea and a cookie. Just say no to the Iron Maiden; you’ve got more fight in you than a week of Jerry Springer re-runs.

Pisces: No one may get the painting you did of a dream inspired by a song remade by a Lady Gaga drag queen, but that’s okay. If people understood you, what would be the point?

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Aries: Some days you’re the poop, some days you’re the scoop, but you’re still waiting for your day as top dog. Sniff a couple more butts and it could happen on Thursday. Remember, no biting!

Taurus: Quit thinking you’re invincible, stud. Your enemies just have bad aim. Make amends before their pitching arm gets better just from all the practice, because some of those rocks could really mess up your hair.

Gemini: If things are going smoothly in your life, you obviously haven’t spent much time with your family. Give them a couple hours on Wednesday to tell you what you’ve done wrong. It will keep you from being uppity when the really good stuff comes next week.

Cancer: The fact that a George Foreman grill just whizzed past your head could mean that your sweetie is unhappy with you. First, find out what’s wrong before they pick up the mini-fridge. Next, find out what workout routine they’re using, because it takes a lot to toss those appliances around.

Leo: You’re looking at just one mirror instead of five, so you must be feeling rather contemplative this week. It’s good to review your life occasionally, as long as you don’t hit ‘pause’ and make everyone watch your best bits over and over again.

Virgo: To you, the road is straight and narrow. To others, it’s a deluxe Hot Wheels ramp, ready for some automotive stunt driving. Unless you want tire tracks up your back, pull over and let Speed Buggy past. You can putt-putt by the wreck and stick out your tongue later.

Libra: The universe will smile on you for five minutes on Thursday afternoon, so have that wild-haired plan ready to go at a moment’s notice. If you’re lucky, it will work out like a crazy sitcom scheme. If you’re not, it still works like a crazy sitcom scheme.

Scorpio: If the proof is in the pudding, you need better Band-Aids to keep those hangnails on. Take the family out to eat for dinner.

Sagittarius: If you have a secret, it’s because you haven’t seen anyone yet this morning. Go ahead, let it out. Someone was bound to see it on YouTube anyway. It’s not like you know the llama personally.

Capricorn: Don’t take any wooden nickels. If you still find some in your change, check your pockets for Viagra.

Aquarius: You’ve been through a lot lately, and the universe just found a crumpled 2-for-1 coupon in its wallet. Could be for ice cream or a rectal exam, but hey, it’s a freebie. Enjoy.

Pisces: Reality isn’t a constant for you. It’s an outfit: sometimes you wear it, sometimes you don’t. Kick back in your boxer shorts for a few days. All the suits will be envious.

Aries: There’s a fine line between sucking up to the boss and restraining order, and you’re dancing along it like a jaded circus performer. Don’t become too blasé; if you fall without a net, you’ll end up in a very compromising position with the bearded lady.

Taurus: You may be headstrong and cocksure, but neither one of those will point you in the right direction. Take a cold shower and listen to your heart. It deserves the last word.

Gemini: Not only have you found your groove, you’ve moved in and assembled an IKEA entertainment center in there. Don’t get too comfortable; grooves are like beach houses in hurricane season. They don’t last forever.

Cancer: Be careful, that personal magnetism is high this week. It’s fine when hot young things are attracted to you, not so great when it’s livestock instead of Kardashians.

Leo: You’re the king of the world, but you don’t need to hold chicks off the front of the ship to prove it. Make a sharp turn to toss any posers overboard, and go back to torpedoing icebergs.

Virgo: It’s true, if everyone did what you said, the world would run smoother and on time. But life isn’t a Japanese train schedule; some of the best things are late and messy, so get your hands dirty for a change.

Libra: While your sense of style is stunning, your timing could use some work. Give the catcher’s mitt and condom dress back to Lady Gaga and try something less heart attack-inducing for the next church social.

Scorpio: A rare beam of light will brighten your dark mood this week, but be cautious: it could be an innocent sunbeam full of hope or the tractor beam the aliens use to drag you up to the ship for another probe. Go commando, just in case.

Sagittarius: Feeling fuzzy and strung out? It’s no wonder; you’ve been running around like a Muppet on crack for weeks. Slow down and get into some Gonzo rehab before Sam the Eagle takes you down.

Capricorn: It’s natural for you to push people and test limits, but even hard-headed goats have weak spots. Back off your most recent fight unless you want to end up in someone’s stew.

Aquarius: You deserve a quiet moment of contemplation; too bad you won’t get one this week. Calgon will only take you away if you strap it to the plane you’re boarding.

Pisces: You know what they say about the unexamined life, so why do you keep yours waiting in that paper gown on the cold metal table? Snap those latex gloves, lube up and get in there.

Aries: You’re looking for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but you’ll be lucky to find a quarter in the parking lot. The universal ATM may be empty for you now, but there’s a cash withdrawal in your future soon.

Taurus:  Knowing it all may be great for you, but it annoys the crap out of everyone else. Let someone else answer the questions for a while. You can step in and save the day after they screw it up.

Gemini: One good turn deserves another, but you’re spinning like a windmill. Step back from the karma-go-round for a couple of turns until the dizziness subsides.

Cancer: Whether you believe you will win or fail, you are right. Unless your idea is so hare-brained, it will fail no matter what you do.  In that case, just settle for being a cautionary tale to the rest of us.

Leo: You light up any room you walk into and your touch is electric. Do everyone a favor and quit dragging your feet across the carpet. Your personality is shocking enough.

Virgo: You know what you want. What are you waiting for, an engraved invitation? Consider this your “Go get ‘em” text from the universe. Unless, of course, the text is attached to a naked picture. Then it’s probably from your skank friend.

Libra: Tired of the dragons? Fine, you’ll have one complete day of unicorns, glitter and rainbows. Beware, though, the unicorn has a temper and good aim, and the stripper will need that glitter back at the end of the day.

Scorpio: On Wednesday, you catch a break. Be sure to hold it by the scruff of the neck and don’t let it bite you in the butt. If you treat it right, you just might get that promotion. If not, hope you have a good friend who doesn’t mind bandaging your tuckus.

Sagittarius: Sure, there’s a better day coming, but why wait until then to be happy? Smile during Tuesday’s little disasters. It will impress your friends and scare the crap out of your enemies. Hmmm, could be a good day after all.

Capricorn: Sometimes you just have to hunker down and get stuff finished. Sense of satisfaction for a job well done? Ha. Perk yourself up with the promise of beer, porn or chocolate at the end of your difficult day.

Aquarius: Thursday is employee evaluation day from the universe. Expect a good review, plus a request for improvement. Promise to not photocopy your junk again and post it on the bulletin board, and you should be fine.

Pisces: In every life a little rain must fall, but not yours, not yet. You have a huge umbrella and you wield it like a ninja.