Aries: Fortune favors the bold, but survival likes those who get out of the way. Become the teacher’s pet for the latter by learning to take one giant step to the left, preferably at running speed.

Taurus: Your luck will be like a small tree frog this week: tiny, loud and usually a precursor of rainy days. Before the cloud settles over your head, see if you can tempt him off you with a few juicy bugs.

Gemini: Lately you’ve been harder up for brains than a zombie at a supermodel convention. Don’t worry, that thinking cap is tight and in place for this week’s puzzlers.

Cancer: Some people are born to greatness, others have it thrust upon them. You, however, will need to run it down, grab it by the neck and shake it a bit. Hurry up, it’s getting away!

Leo: The main problem with believing the sun rises and sets on you is that everyone around you gets burned. Pass around the aloe vera and the apologies, and leave the cosmic stuff to the universe.

Virgo: With your luck, the only way you’ll get a free ride in this world is by being duct-taped and thrown in the trunk of some whacko’s car. Carve out some better luck with a handy pocket knife and avoid sketchy morons with big cars, no matter how drunk you are.

Libra: Life isn’t like chocolates or a bowl of cherries; it’s the weirdest painting you can ever imagine and not even the snobbiest art critics can make sense of it. Grab a spray can and leave your own mark in the corner of the canvas this week.

Scorpio: Beneath that suave exterior beats the heart of a nerd who adores spreadsheets in Gaelic and the original Buck Rogers. Let that geek out to play for a while on Tuesday; the results may be profitable.

Sagittarius: You may be the captain of your own ship, but someone else is in control of your dinghy. Don’t let anyone shimmy up your mast until you get that crow’s nest sorted out with a doctor.

Capricorn: You’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire, and you’ve forgot your asbestos underwear. Now’s not the time to test your flameproof attitude, just dance your way off the stove.

Aquarius: If the universe was all-seeing, it would be poking its eye with a sharp stick and looking for some brain bleach after what it just saw you do with a box of Twinkies and a blow-up doll. Go help a little old lady across the road before karma reviews your security footage.

Pisces: Your feelings may go wherever the wind blows, but lately you sound like a wind chime caught in a wood chipper. Relax; you’ll be tinkling with contentment soon.