Aries: You have the Midas touch this week, which is wonderful if you want some extra gold, but not so handy when you need to go the bathroom. Some rubber gloves and a pair of tongs should be on your shopping list along with that new car.
Taurus: The bull is an enigma; you love change when it jangles in your pocket, but you hate change that rearranges your routine. You’ll get one of the two on Friday when someone pries you off the couch.
Gemini: The last few weeks have been painful and difficult for you, but take heart: all that karma has earned double interest. Expect it to pay off this week with cheap wine and good dates. Or is it the other way around?
Cancer: You can laugh in the face of danger and survive unscathed, but only if you run very fast after your guffaw. Be careful, danger packs a mean wedgie.
Leo: All eyes are stuck on you, which sounds cool but feels rather slimy. Next time, don’t pick a pack of zombies to be your fan base. Try werewolves, they’re more fun and you can buy their affection with steak.
Virgo: You’re feeling the love on Saturday night, which is odd, since you don’t have a date. Back away from the weird guy at the grocery store; that trenchcoat holds nothing you care to see.
Libra: Ignore those who say you can’t wear white after Labor Day. That strait jacket is very slimming, and it keeps you from attaching the kids to the wall with Velcro. Don’t worry, you won’t need it for long, just until everyone is back in school.
Scorpio: You’re so stressed out, your teeth twang when you floss. Take a few days off to relax and ponder the big questions, like “What is diet bacon?” and “How many roads must a man walk down before he gets a moped?”
Sagittarius: No matter how badly your day goes, remember this: at least you’re not marrying a Kardashian. That’s an undertaking more expensive and hazardous than nuclear waste.
Capricorn: You’ll be more uncomfortable on Thursday than a stripper wearing a barbed wire G-string. Don’t worry, the situation won’t last, but you might need some aloe vera afterward.
Aquarius: Some days are filled with wine and roses, others are lucky to get vodka and dandelions. No matter what kind of bouquet you get this week, enjoy it.
Pisces: Paranoid? If you won a beach house, you’d just wait for Godzilla to show up and stomp it. Relax. If he drops by, he’ll be wearing a thong and carrying a blanket and a cooler.