Aries: A new opportunity at work will open up if you eat something bizarre: your pride. Drench it in dressing so it will go down easier. Hint: everything tastes better with Ranch.
Taurus: You can be happy or you can be right. That warm glow of self-satisfaction fades around 2 a.m.; apologize now so you can snuggle later.
Gemini: Lately you’ve been pricklier than a porcupine with PMS. Raid that chocolate stash, have some wine and quit needling everyone. You’ve made your points.
Cancer: Who cares if you have two left feet? You’re tripping the light fantastic because you met someone with two right ones. Together, you make Fred and Ginger look like Laurel and Hardy.
Leo: You’re still going strong, but your support team is lagging behind. Fire your personal bard and the guy who applauds you constantly; an mp3 player is cheaper, although it can’t carry your ego on its back.
Virgo: To everything there is a season, and this season’s hottest look is you shutting up so someone else can do the talking. Someone has a Gucci bag of shhh just for you.
Libra: At work, you’re feeling more doomed than the lone red shirt on a Star Trek away team. Find some new duties fast before you end up just another statistic while saving the Captain’s butt.
Scorpio: Quit looking for a blue ribbon every time you do something right. In life, there are no trophies just for participating. Some days, just surviving to greet the dawn is your best reward.
Sagittarius: If this week is a jukebox, you’ve just punched up five bucks worth of sad ballads and, mysteriously, one free play of the Macarena song. Yours is not to question why, just get the hankies ready and those hips swiveling.
Capricorn: A new friend finds you witty and delightful; find out what medications they’re taking and keep them stocked up. No need to burst their happy pharmaceutical bubble with the cold, hard truth.
Aquarius: You know those one-handed, nothing-but-net basketball throws a player makes from the other side of the court to win the game? That’s not going to happen this week. But you could dribble a lot, so remember your napkin.
Pisces: For you, joy isn’t an attitude, it’s those little moments of possibility sandwiched in between long stretches of ennui and terror. Don’t worry, there’s a new DVD set out of “iCarly” so you can forget them all for a while in a contented sitcom daze.