You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2011.

Aries: Congratulations, someone has just upgraded you from the little people to flunkie. You can either get them a mocha latte with sprinkles or you can go out and follow your own dream.

Taurus: Sometimes frugality and sensuality do not mix. Meditate on this while your sweetie drives you to the doctor. New rule: never bring peanut butter and olive oil into the bedroom if you have mice in the house.

Gemini: You finally get what you want this week, but can you handle it? If you’re too neurotic to cope, use your sudden windfall to buy self-help books and a subscription to Oprah magazine.

Cancer: There’s a bright side to every situation, but on Wednesday it may be tough to find. Take a Bic lighter and a magnifying glass and search again. If that fails, buy a case of margarita mix and the entire collection of Monty Python DVDs.

Leo:  Sure, it’s great to go where everyone knows your name. Unless, of course, you owe them money. Seek out some new hangouts this week until that lottery ticket pays off.

Virgo: A good, long look at your life makes you realize you either need to change your lover, your address or your brand of soda. Hey, if you never made bad decisions, you would have nothing to discuss in therapy.

Libra: You’re so low on ideas, you are considering plans involving a road runner, roller skates and explosives from the Acme company.  Take some brainstorming time today, but turn off the cartoon channel before you end up flattened on the side of a cliff.

Scorpio: The universe believes in second chances, but it’s wishy-washy on third, fourth and fifth chances. Make your move before opportunity shrugs and heads off to the gas station to use the bathroom.

Sagittarius: Did you make an awkward mistake last week? You may not have killed the golden goose, but you hurt it’s feelings a little. Kissing is optional, but a peck on the feathered butt could make life much easier for you.

Capricorn: There’s a certain grace and dignity to the right words, but your remarks are stumbling around like a drunk moose in heat. Learn some tact and diplomacy quick, or that speech may try to hump your boss’ car and get you fired.

Aquarius: A new relationship lights up your life with new fire, but you’re not sure if it is passion or just a really bad rash. If they’re worth keeping around, grab some cream and walk gingerly for a while.

Pisces: All this work may have cut into your Angry Birds time, but chin up: once you’ve made your fortune, you can hire people to play a real-life game of Angry Birds. Practice saying “Chirp, you idiot!” a few times; it will make you smile.

Aries: Fortune favors the bold, but survival likes those who get out of the way. Become the teacher’s pet for the latter by learning to take one giant step to the left, preferably at running speed.

Taurus: Your luck will be like a small tree frog this week: tiny, loud and usually a precursor of rainy days. Before the cloud settles over your head, see if you can tempt him off you with a few juicy bugs.

Gemini: Lately you’ve been harder up for brains than a zombie at a supermodel convention. Don’t worry, that thinking cap is tight and in place for this week’s puzzlers.

Cancer: Some people are born to greatness, others have it thrust upon them. You, however, will need to run it down, grab it by the neck and shake it a bit. Hurry up, it’s getting away!

Leo: The main problem with believing the sun rises and sets on you is that everyone around you gets burned. Pass around the aloe vera and the apologies, and leave the cosmic stuff to the universe.

Virgo: With your luck, the only way you’ll get a free ride in this world is by being duct-taped and thrown in the trunk of some whacko’s car. Carve out some better luck with a handy pocket knife and avoid sketchy morons with big cars, no matter how drunk you are.

Libra: Life isn’t like chocolates or a bowl of cherries; it’s the weirdest painting you can ever imagine and not even the snobbiest art critics can make sense of it. Grab a spray can and leave your own mark in the corner of the canvas this week.

Scorpio: Beneath that suave exterior beats the heart of a nerd who adores spreadsheets in Gaelic and the original Buck Rogers. Let that geek out to play for a while on Tuesday; the results may be profitable.

Sagittarius: You may be the captain of your own ship, but someone else is in control of your dinghy. Don’t let anyone shimmy up your mast until you get that crow’s nest sorted out with a doctor.

Capricorn: You’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire, and you’ve forgot your asbestos underwear. Now’s not the time to test your flameproof attitude, just dance your way off the stove.

Aquarius: If the universe was all-seeing, it would be poking its eye with a sharp stick and looking for some brain bleach after what it just saw you do with a box of Twinkies and a blow-up doll. Go help a little old lady across the road before karma reviews your security footage.

Pisces: Your feelings may go wherever the wind blows, but lately you sound like a wind chime caught in a wood chipper. Relax; you’ll be tinkling with contentment soon.

Aries: You have the Midas touch this week, which is wonderful if you want some extra gold, but not so handy when you need to go the bathroom. Some rubber gloves and a pair of tongs should be on your shopping list along with that new car.

Taurus: The bull is an enigma; you love change when it jangles in your pocket, but you hate change that rearranges your routine. You’ll get one of the two on Friday when someone pries you off the couch.

Gemini: The last few weeks have been painful and difficult for you, but take heart: all that karma has earned double interest. Expect it to pay off this week with cheap wine and good dates. Or is it the other way around?

Cancer: You can laugh in the face of danger and survive unscathed, but only if you run very fast after your guffaw. Be careful, danger packs a mean wedgie.

Leo: All eyes are stuck on you, which sounds cool but feels rather slimy. Next time, don’t pick a pack of zombies to be your fan base. Try werewolves, they’re more fun and you can buy their affection with steak.

Virgo: You’re feeling the love on Saturday night, which is odd, since you don’t have a date. Back away from the weird guy at the grocery store; that trenchcoat holds nothing you care to see.

Libra: Ignore those who say you can’t wear white after Labor Day. That strait jacket is very slimming, and it keeps you from attaching the kids to the wall with Velcro. Don’t worry, you won’t need it for long, just until everyone is back in school.

Scorpio: You’re so stressed out, your teeth twang when you floss. Take a few days off to relax and ponder the big questions, like “What is diet bacon?” and “How many roads must a man walk down before he gets a moped?”

Sagittarius: No matter how badly your day goes, remember this: at least you’re not marrying a Kardashian. That’s an undertaking more expensive and hazardous than nuclear waste.

Capricorn: You’ll be more uncomfortable on Thursday than a stripper wearing a barbed wire G-string. Don’t worry, the situation won’t last, but you might need some aloe vera afterward.

Aquarius: Some days are filled with wine and roses, others are lucky to get vodka and dandelions. No matter what kind of bouquet you get this week, enjoy it.

Pisces: Paranoid? If you won a beach house, you’d just wait for Godzilla to show up and stomp it. Relax. If he drops by, he’ll be wearing a thong and carrying a blanket and a cooler.

Aries: A new opportunity at work will open up if you eat something bizarre: your pride. Drench it in dressing so it will go down easier. Hint: everything tastes better with Ranch.

Taurus: You can be happy or you can be right. That warm glow of self-satisfaction fades around 2 a.m.; apologize now so you can snuggle later.

Gemini: Lately you’ve been pricklier than a porcupine with PMS. Raid that chocolate stash, have some wine and quit needling everyone. You’ve made your points.

Cancer: Who cares if you have two left feet? You’re tripping the light fantastic because you met someone with two right ones. Together, you make Fred and Ginger look like Laurel and Hardy.

Leo: You’re still going strong, but your support team is lagging behind. Fire your personal bard and the guy who applauds you constantly; an mp3 player is cheaper, although it can’t carry your ego on its back.

Virgo: To everything there is a season, and this season’s hottest look is you shutting up so someone else can do the talking. Someone has a Gucci bag of shhh just for you.

Libra: At work, you’re feeling more doomed than the lone red shirt on a Star Trek away team. Find some new duties fast before you end up just another statistic while saving the Captain’s butt.

Scorpio: Quit looking for a blue ribbon every time you do something right. In life, there are no trophies just for participating. Some days, just surviving to greet the dawn is your best reward.

Sagittarius: If this week is a jukebox, you’ve just punched up five bucks worth of sad ballads and, mysteriously, one free play of the Macarena song. Yours is not to question why, just get the hankies ready and those hips swiveling.

Capricorn: A new friend finds you witty and delightful; find out what medications they’re taking and keep them stocked up. No need to burst their happy pharmaceutical bubble with the cold, hard truth.

Aquarius: You know those one-handed, nothing-but-net basketball throws a player makes from the other side of the court to win the game? That’s not going to happen this week. But you could dribble a lot, so remember your napkin.

Pisces: For you, joy isn’t an attitude, it’s those little moments of possibility sandwiched in between long stretches of ennui and terror. Don’t worry, there’s a new DVD set out of “iCarly” so you can forget them all for a while in a contented sitcom daze.

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