Aries: You may see burning bridges as a great way to keep moving forward, but in reality it just means you can never go back to get your keys, phone, or that “special” tape you made on your honeymoon. Quit approaching every big moment with a lighter and some newspaper; you’ll need this week’s bridge to get back home.
Taurus: On Wednesday, you have the opportunity to do a good deed. Don’t mess it up by opening your mouth. In this case, silence is worth some golden karma.
Gemini: At precisely 1:45 p.m. this Thursday, you should leap out of your chair and hit the deck while yelling “Zombies!” If no zombies show up, at least you’ve scared off your co-workers for the afternoon.
Cancer: Good things come to those who wait. Better things come to those who go out and get a job at the Good Thing factory. Two words: employee discount.
Leo: Not every problem has to be stomped down like a flaming bag of dog poop. Some challenges can be solved by stepping around them and waiting for them to go out on their own. Or you can wee on them. Either method works.
Virgo: You know what you want, but how far will you go to get it? Will you run through the streets naked and painted like a bowl of fruit? That guy with the camera hopes so. If you’re going for it, you might want to cover your grapes.
Libra: Some days are meant to be savored, others are gulped down like the quick-stop burritos they are. If you’re not sure what kind of day you’re having, don’t worry, it will all come out on the end. Hope you didn’t order it extra-hot.
Scorpio: This situation you’re in requires a delicate touch. Pretend it’s the ex-lover you still care about. Not the one who tried to burn down your car with sparklers.
Sagittarius: The universe gives you a break this week. Put up your feet, relax and enjoy a frosty beverage. Don’t ask about next week. No. Definitely don’t do that. Just sip that drink, dear.
Capricorn: People like you for your smile, your compassion, and your wit. Ha! No, not really. They like you because you do stuff for them. Quit it and find some better friends.
Aquarius: You have stumbled into the miracle zone today. You’ll wake up needing pants a size smaller, your hair does whatever you want it to, and you find a $20 on the sidewalk. Write this day down in your diary, it may never happen again.
Pisces: There may not be gold at the end of the rainbow this week, but there is a drunk leprechaun with a couple of extra beers and a great story. That’s good enough.