Aries: Some see the glass as half-full, you see it and demand to speak to the waiter because you ordered a bottle of beer instead. Watch out, that notorious Aries charm could get you a smashed bottle and a concussion.

Taurus: You’re hiding something. It could be a big secret, or you may have sat down on the remote without any underwear on. Again. Either way, get it all out in the open. And maybe wash it off with some strong soap, too.

Gemini: To thine own self, be true. The rest of those schmucks? They had it coming. This gives you peace of mind, but really makes those family reunions awkward.

Cancer: You’re too nice. You couldn’t get a storm brewing if you used hot water and pre-filled filters. Start small if you need to act out. Try a tempest in a teacup.

Leo: Staying busy is fine, but you’re pushing into workaholic territory. If you’re going to burn the candle at both ends, at least use the wax to remove any unwanted body hair. It’s painful multitasking, you’ll appreciate that.

Virgo:  If Calgon really could take you away, it would just drop you in one of those Geico commercials with a talking pig and a pinwheel. Take yourself away for some rest and relaxation without a word from your corporate sponsor.

Libra: You’re a fine cook but if the proof’s in the pudding, you need to use stickier Band-Aids. Chinese take-out, anyone?

Scorpio: Get a hold of yourself. Since your love life has cooled, it will be the only holding you’ll enjoy for a little while. At least there’s no weird conversation or forced cuddling afterward.

Sagittarius: You’re feeling like the Starfleet cadet in a game of Klingon dodgeball. Hang in there, I’m sure Doctor Crusher can extract that ball from your body. If not, hey, you have a built-in airbag now.

Capricorn: There’s a better day coming, but you’ll have to drag through some real woofers to get to it. Grab a book or surf the net until it gets here. Try to avoid the naked people or you’ll zoom right past your good day.

Aquarius:  Normal people don’t get your style, but that’s okay. Feather boas and tie-dye booty shorts aren’t for everyone. Truth be told, it may not be for you, either, but your attitude is fierce! Work it!

Pisces: Sometimes opportunities are like weeds; you pull one up and five more sprout in its place. Go ahead and build a bouquet if you like, just make sure those are real flowers and nothing to sneeze at.