Aries: If you’re a sore loser, it’s just because you forgot to stretch out before running with the big dogs. Next time, do some yoga before taking on a hopeless challenge.

Taurus: You have a lot of love in your heart, but that stuff’s like cholesterol, it can kill you. Get some exercise and a healthy diet of Like going; you can always binge on love on the weekends.

Gemini: Whatever you’re planning to do at 3:11 p.m. Wednesday, don’t. Nah, just kidding, go ahead. Wear some gloves, though. That stuff itches.

Cancer: You have some awesome friends; they’ve never once mentioned that incident with the jar of relish and your mom’s girdle. Buy them all a beer on Friday. What the heck, buy them five beers. You’ll need their silence after Friday night.

Leo: It’s not that you have a lust for glory, you just can’t resist following it around and asking it to wear crotchless panties. Give it some personal space; you’ll be an overnight success in ten years, tops.

Virgo: You don’t have to be the quickest fish in the ocean to get ahead, you just have to be faster than the rest of the school when the shark comes calling. Practice those duck and dodge moves now before anyone spots the fin in the water.

Libra: Every new day is a gift, but you’re having one of those mornings where you can’t even tear the wrapping paper off. Hang in there, it will reveal itself. Next time, ask the universe for a gift bag.

Scorpio: You may not be the best horse at the rodeo, but you definitely quality as most interesting. Who will folks remember: the perfect specimen or the weird one that made all the kids cry? Exactly.

Sagittarius: You’re looking for attention, but wearing bedazzled buttless chaps to Grandma’s Sunday dinner isn’t the best way to do it. If you want to be really crazy, excel in a sport or intellectual pursuit. That will stun everyone.

Capricorn: If all life is a stage, why do you persist in hanging around the back stage door? March up for your moment in the footlights. Watch your timing, though, or the only applause will come from the janitor.

Aquarius: Some are born to greatness, others find it cheap on eBay. This week you’ll hit the Buy It Now button and score some major coolness points with the ones you love.

Pisces: You’re allergic to hard work, but someone has kindly brought you a few packets of psychic Benedryl. No excuses now, quit the fake sniffling and just get the job done. After that, feel free to relapse.

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