Aries: Rough day? Normally we’d say don’t let the turkeys get you down, but it’s really the chickens you need to watch. Especially that one with the mean eyes and tiny brass knuckles.

Taurus: You’ll draw on your inner Captain Kirk this week when you meet an alien hottie in need. Rip off your shirt and avoid all that logic telling you to stay away, or you could get Spockblocked.

Gemini: Negative thoughts are like chiggers, burrowing deep under your skin.  You need some bug spray for the soul, preferably with a nice citrus scent to give your aura that tangy orange feel.

Cancer: On Thursday, the universe is playing your favorite song so get out and enjoy the groove. Expect a movie-style montage of happy, screwball moments along the way.

Leo: There are worse addictions than work: Justin Bieber and ham-flavored Fanta come to mind. Still, try to take some quality time off before someone makes you go cold turkey with something even scarier: a vacation.

Virgo: You have all the right moves, you’re just cursed with the wrong timing. Hold in those inhibitions until someone tells you to let go; your Thriller dance may liven up the parent-teacher conference, but it won’t do much for your kid’s grades.

Libra: You’re stepping more carefully than Spider-Man in a room full of Raid. Forget showing off your web-slinging style, just find the door before you end up a crunchy bug on someone’s windsill.

Scorpio: That moment in the sun lasted far too long, and now your mood is red, sore and in need of some aloe vera. Find a cool, dark corner before someone’s tempted to slap you.

Sagittarius: From the tiniest seed, the mightiest tree can grow, but only under the right conditions. With all the crap people dump on you this week, you could end up a redwood.

Capricorn: It’s true that beauty is skin-deep; few models appear on magazine covers without it. But you might look even deeper to find a perfect match. True gorgeousness includes putting up with your antics.

Aquarius: Life is like Monopoly; some days you’re the car, some days you’re the shoe, but at least you’re still on the board. Heave up your Community Chest, because you may collect $200 to pass Go before the day is done.

Pisces: If you achieve your goal of doing nothing this summer, your days will be Harry Potter and the Deathly Boredom. At least pick up a book and a bag of Chee-tos to sustain you. True, fluorescent food may not be healthy, but it’s better than the latest Bertie Bott’s bean flavor: Dog Dragging Butt on Carpet.