Aries: You will find a moment of pure joy and happiness on Thursday afternoon. Watch carefully for it, because it will likely be sandwiched in between a minute of utter frustration when you try to open the potato chips and another of rage when you realize they’re gone.

Taurus: On Wednesday, you know what you want and you’re not afraid to get it. You’re just worried about the price of gas to drive you there. You could walk, but it’s far less impressive as a grand gesture.

Gemini:  Don’t worry about those bumps in the road, just go slow so you don’t rattle your own headlights off. A smooth, wide highway is just around the corner. Pedal? Meet metal.

Cancer: Had a rainy day? Don’t worry about looking for the silver lining, check those clouds for hidden travel pockets. There’s $20 stashed in there somewhere.

Leo: Wondering if you’re heading in the right direction? Don’t ask for too many opinions. If Vader ran the Death Star by committee, it would have blown up during the opening credits.

Virgo: Hang on buddy, where’s the fire? Slow down a bit and enjoy your day. If you can’t do that, then head to a bar and stop, drop and roll. At least you’ll meet some interesting people on the floor.

Libra: If you love something, set it free, but only if it’s an annoying person or a frog.  The likelihood of your wide-screen TV or laptop coming back to you is very slim indeed.

Scorpio: Your love life is about to perk up, so buy some whipped cream and an egg beater tonight. Don’t cheap out and try to use the electric mixer; that will only lead to an embarrassing moment at the doctor’s office tomorrow.

Sagittarius: You’ve been jumpier than Rupert Murdoch at a pie-baking contest. Take a few hours off and watch a few “Gilligan’s Island” reruns. Everything’s better with coconuts. And maybe a little Ginger.

Capricorn: Can you handle the truth? The answer is no, because the timer hasn’t gone off yet. Enjoy your last crumbs of delusion, then take the truth out of the oven with some heat-resistant mitts.

Aquarius: Blame is like a muumuu. You think it fits everyone, but it really doesn’t look good on anyone. Quit throwing it over people’s heads and let them dress themselves.

Pisces: The tough times you can handle, it’s the good times that screw you up. Come out from underneath the couch, because success is at your door and it knows you’re home. Time to step up and enjoy the limelight.