You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2011.

Aries: You may see burning bridges as a great way to keep moving forward, but in reality it just means you can never go back to get your keys, phone, or that “special” tape you made on your honeymoon. Quit approaching every big moment with a lighter and some newspaper; you’ll need this week’s bridge to get back home.

Taurus:  On Wednesday, you have the opportunity to do a good deed. Don’t mess it up by opening your mouth. In this case, silence is worth some golden karma.

Gemini: At precisely 1:45 p.m. this Thursday, you should leap out of your chair and hit the deck while yelling “Zombies!” If no zombies show up, at least you’ve scared off your co-workers for the afternoon.

Cancer: Good things come to those who wait. Better things come to those who go out and get a job at the Good Thing factory. Two words: employee discount.

Leo: Not every problem has to be stomped down like a flaming bag of dog poop. Some challenges can be solved by stepping around them and waiting for them to go out on their own. Or you can wee on them. Either method works.

Virgo: You know what you want, but how far will you go to get it? Will you run through the streets naked and painted like a bowl of fruit? That guy with the camera hopes so. If you’re going for it, you might want to cover your grapes.

Libra: Some days are meant to be savored, others are gulped down like the quick-stop burritos they are. If you’re not sure what kind of day you’re having, don’t worry, it will all come out on the end. Hope you didn’t order it extra-hot.

Scorpio: This situation you’re in requires a delicate touch. Pretend it’s the ex-lover you still care about. Not the one who tried to burn down your car with sparklers.

Sagittarius: The universe gives you a break this week. Put up your feet, relax and enjoy a frosty beverage. Don’t ask about next week. No. Definitely don’t do that. Just sip that drink, dear.

Capricorn: People like you for your smile, your compassion, and your wit. Ha! No, not really. They like you because you do stuff for them. Quit it and find some better friends.

Aquarius: You have stumbled into the miracle zone today. You’ll wake up needing pants a size smaller, your hair does whatever you want it to, and you find a $20 on the sidewalk.  Write this day down in your diary, it may never happen again.

Pisces:  There may not be gold at the end of the rainbow this week, but there is a drunk leprechaun with a couple of extra beers and a great story. That’s good enough.

Aries: Some see the glass as half-full, you see it and demand to speak to the waiter because you ordered a bottle of beer instead. Watch out, that notorious Aries charm could get you a smashed bottle and a concussion.

Taurus: You’re hiding something. It could be a big secret, or you may have sat down on the remote without any underwear on. Again. Either way, get it all out in the open. And maybe wash it off with some strong soap, too.

Gemini: To thine own self, be true. The rest of those schmucks? They had it coming. This gives you peace of mind, but really makes those family reunions awkward.

Cancer: You’re too nice. You couldn’t get a storm brewing if you used hot water and pre-filled filters. Start small if you need to act out. Try a tempest in a teacup.

Leo: Staying busy is fine, but you’re pushing into workaholic territory. If you’re going to burn the candle at both ends, at least use the wax to remove any unwanted body hair. It’s painful multitasking, you’ll appreciate that.

Virgo:  If Calgon really could take you away, it would just drop you in one of those Geico commercials with a talking pig and a pinwheel. Take yourself away for some rest and relaxation without a word from your corporate sponsor.

Libra: You’re a fine cook but if the proof’s in the pudding, you need to use stickier Band-Aids. Chinese take-out, anyone?

Scorpio: Get a hold of yourself. Since your love life has cooled, it will be the only holding you’ll enjoy for a little while. At least there’s no weird conversation or forced cuddling afterward.

Sagittarius: You’re feeling like the Starfleet cadet in a game of Klingon dodgeball. Hang in there, I’m sure Doctor Crusher can extract that ball from your body. If not, hey, you have a built-in airbag now.

Capricorn: There’s a better day coming, but you’ll have to drag through some real woofers to get to it. Grab a book or surf the net until it gets here. Try to avoid the naked people or you’ll zoom right past your good day.

Aquarius:  Normal people don’t get your style, but that’s okay. Feather boas and tie-dye booty shorts aren’t for everyone. Truth be told, it may not be for you, either, but your attitude is fierce! Work it!

Pisces: Sometimes opportunities are like weeds; you pull one up and five more sprout in its place. Go ahead and build a bouquet if you like, just make sure those are real flowers and nothing to sneeze at.

Aries: If you’re a sore loser, it’s just because you forgot to stretch out before running with the big dogs. Next time, do some yoga before taking on a hopeless challenge.

Taurus: You have a lot of love in your heart, but that stuff’s like cholesterol, it can kill you. Get some exercise and a healthy diet of Like going; you can always binge on love on the weekends.

Gemini: Whatever you’re planning to do at 3:11 p.m. Wednesday, don’t. Nah, just kidding, go ahead. Wear some gloves, though. That stuff itches.

Cancer: You have some awesome friends; they’ve never once mentioned that incident with the jar of relish and your mom’s girdle. Buy them all a beer on Friday. What the heck, buy them five beers. You’ll need their silence after Friday night.

Leo: It’s not that you have a lust for glory, you just can’t resist following it around and asking it to wear crotchless panties. Give it some personal space; you’ll be an overnight success in ten years, tops.

Virgo: You don’t have to be the quickest fish in the ocean to get ahead, you just have to be faster than the rest of the school when the shark comes calling. Practice those duck and dodge moves now before anyone spots the fin in the water.

Libra: Every new day is a gift, but you’re having one of those mornings where you can’t even tear the wrapping paper off. Hang in there, it will reveal itself. Next time, ask the universe for a gift bag.

Scorpio: You may not be the best horse at the rodeo, but you definitely quality as most interesting. Who will folks remember: the perfect specimen or the weird one that made all the kids cry? Exactly.

Sagittarius: You’re looking for attention, but wearing bedazzled buttless chaps to Grandma’s Sunday dinner isn’t the best way to do it. If you want to be really crazy, excel in a sport or intellectual pursuit. That will stun everyone.

Capricorn: If all life is a stage, why do you persist in hanging around the back stage door? March up for your moment in the footlights. Watch your timing, though, or the only applause will come from the janitor.

Aquarius: Some are born to greatness, others find it cheap on eBay. This week you’ll hit the Buy It Now button and score some major coolness points with the ones you love.

Pisces: You’re allergic to hard work, but someone has kindly brought you a few packets of psychic Benedryl. No excuses now, quit the fake sniffling and just get the job done. After that, feel free to relapse.

Aries: Rough day? Normally we’d say don’t let the turkeys get you down, but it’s really the chickens you need to watch. Especially that one with the mean eyes and tiny brass knuckles.

Taurus: You’ll draw on your inner Captain Kirk this week when you meet an alien hottie in need. Rip off your shirt and avoid all that logic telling you to stay away, or you could get Spockblocked.

Gemini: Negative thoughts are like chiggers, burrowing deep under your skin.  You need some bug spray for the soul, preferably with a nice citrus scent to give your aura that tangy orange feel.

Cancer: On Thursday, the universe is playing your favorite song so get out and enjoy the groove. Expect a movie-style montage of happy, screwball moments along the way.

Leo: There are worse addictions than work: Justin Bieber and ham-flavored Fanta come to mind. Still, try to take some quality time off before someone makes you go cold turkey with something even scarier: a vacation.

Virgo: You have all the right moves, you’re just cursed with the wrong timing. Hold in those inhibitions until someone tells you to let go; your Thriller dance may liven up the parent-teacher conference, but it won’t do much for your kid’s grades.

Libra: You’re stepping more carefully than Spider-Man in a room full of Raid. Forget showing off your web-slinging style, just find the door before you end up a crunchy bug on someone’s windsill.

Scorpio: That moment in the sun lasted far too long, and now your mood is red, sore and in need of some aloe vera. Find a cool, dark corner before someone’s tempted to slap you.

Sagittarius: From the tiniest seed, the mightiest tree can grow, but only under the right conditions. With all the crap people dump on you this week, you could end up a redwood.

Capricorn: It’s true that beauty is skin-deep; few models appear on magazine covers without it. But you might look even deeper to find a perfect match. True gorgeousness includes putting up with your antics.

Aquarius: Life is like Monopoly; some days you’re the car, some days you’re the shoe, but at least you’re still on the board. Heave up your Community Chest, because you may collect $200 to pass Go before the day is done.

Pisces: If you achieve your goal of doing nothing this summer, your days will be Harry Potter and the Deathly Boredom. At least pick up a book and a bag of Chee-tos to sustain you. True, fluorescent food may not be healthy, but it’s better than the latest Bertie Bott’s bean flavor: Dog Dragging Butt on Carpet.

Aries: You will find a moment of pure joy and happiness on Thursday afternoon. Watch carefully for it, because it will likely be sandwiched in between a minute of utter frustration when you try to open the potato chips and another of rage when you realize they’re gone.

Taurus: On Wednesday, you know what you want and you’re not afraid to get it. You’re just worried about the price of gas to drive you there. You could walk, but it’s far less impressive as a grand gesture.

Gemini:  Don’t worry about those bumps in the road, just go slow so you don’t rattle your own headlights off. A smooth, wide highway is just around the corner. Pedal? Meet metal.

Cancer: Had a rainy day? Don’t worry about looking for the silver lining, check those clouds for hidden travel pockets. There’s $20 stashed in there somewhere.

Leo: Wondering if you’re heading in the right direction? Don’t ask for too many opinions. If Vader ran the Death Star by committee, it would have blown up during the opening credits.

Virgo: Hang on buddy, where’s the fire? Slow down a bit and enjoy your day. If you can’t do that, then head to a bar and stop, drop and roll. At least you’ll meet some interesting people on the floor.

Libra: If you love something, set it free, but only if it’s an annoying person or a frog.  The likelihood of your wide-screen TV or laptop coming back to you is very slim indeed.

Scorpio: Your love life is about to perk up, so buy some whipped cream and an egg beater tonight. Don’t cheap out and try to use the electric mixer; that will only lead to an embarrassing moment at the doctor’s office tomorrow.

Sagittarius: You’ve been jumpier than Rupert Murdoch at a pie-baking contest. Take a few hours off and watch a few “Gilligan’s Island” reruns. Everything’s better with coconuts. And maybe a little Ginger.

Capricorn: Can you handle the truth? The answer is no, because the timer hasn’t gone off yet. Enjoy your last crumbs of delusion, then take the truth out of the oven with some heat-resistant mitts.

Aquarius: Blame is like a muumuu. You think it fits everyone, but it really doesn’t look good on anyone. Quit throwing it over people’s heads and let them dress themselves.

Pisces: The tough times you can handle, it’s the good times that screw you up. Come out from underneath the couch, because success is at your door and it knows you’re home. Time to step up and enjoy the limelight.

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