Aries: Keep your head down until you figure out who painted that bright red target between your eyes. It could take some time, unless you look down and see the Sharpie still clutched in your own hand.
Taurus: You may believe that the best things in life are free, but your honey insists you pay the electricity bill to keep the A/C going Do it, because while being hot, sweaty and slapped upside the head is free, it’s not one of the better feelings.
Gemini: You have a rare opportunity to be right this week, but doing a victory dance over it means you may never see that moment again. Yes, it’s hard to be humble, but give a whirl anyway.
Cancer: Kindness doesn’t feed the bulldog, but it does keep your security deposit intact by taking him for a walk afterwards. Repay the favor before your own landscape is covered in poo.
Leo: Cell phone, email, texts, Twitter…you have more connections than the Borg, and about as much independence. Step back for a day and remember what it’s like to only hear your own voice in your head.
Virgo: Someone you know is marching to the beat of a different drummer, and that really pisses you off. Before you demand they get back in formation, listen to the new rhythm. It could be a catchy tune you’ll enjoy after you crush someone’s innocent soul.
Libra: You’ve tied yourself in more knots than Stretch Armstrong playing Twister. Loosen up before you entangle any more friends in your game of emotional Chicken and get caught in a massive clusterpluck.
Scorpio: The solution to your problem is easy: all it takes is a little love and a great big hammer. Call up Thor and see if you can borrow his. Just don’t bop anyone on the head, that job only belongs to Little Bunny FooFoo.
Sagittarius: Find the joy in the little things today, like a well-earned compliment, a good deed done well, or that free 50-inch TV someone just delivered to your house. No TV? Well, at least you have the kudos.
Capricorn: The right thing isn’t easy and the easy thing isn’t right; all you can bet on in life is that the fun thing is almost always wrong. Plan accordingly.
Aquarius: Break out the margarita mix and your best stretchy pants, because good news is heading your way, and you’ll want to be comfortable when all the camera crews arrive. Don’t add the tequila until afterwards, of course; you don’t want to be so comfy that a cop shows up with a Breathalyzer.
Pisces: You’ve wished for days of sunshine, but now you want an umbrella. Don’t pout, just settle for a tiny one stuck in a frosty drink. It’s all good.