Aries: When you ignore life’s gentle hints, the universe moves up to slightly rude nudging. After that, it’s caveman clue-stick time. Considering how observant you usually are, don’t leave the house without a helmet this week.
Taurus: After the incident with the naked mole rat and the spaghetti strainer, it will become clear to everyone that you have no idea what you’re doing. Look for a new job that doesn’t involve sales and marketing; the rat will thank you.
Gemini: You are easily influenced, which explains your closet of questionable t-shirts and skorts. Think for yourself before taking some advice, otherwise it’s the paisley Capri pants of 1995 all over again.
Cancer: You’re a Ford Pinto in a world of Ferraris; you may not be in the fast lane, but you’re just as exciting. No one knows when you’ll break down or blow up.
Leo: Life may be about the journey, but you could use a few more pit stops along the way. It’s difficult to enjoy those one-of-a-kind moments when your legs are crossed in the pee-pee dance.
Virgo: Don’t worry about what makes your sweetie tick. Be more concerned at how large the blast zone will be. Hopefully a night out might defuse the situation, because there’s no blue wire.
Libra: Don’t bow to peer pressure on Tuesday. If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too? Think carefully if your friends are named Thelma, Butch or Sundance.
Scorpio: A situation comes up this week, and you realize with horror there’s no app for that. You can either seal yourself up in a room and build one, or actually speak face to face with someone, live and in person. Hope dinner fits under the door.
Sagittarius: You can spend time finding your bliss, but you better pray there’s a paycheck stapled to the bottom of it. If not, enjoy the fulfilling life of part-time inner peace, full-time fry cook.
Capricorn: You’re feeling more ignored than a plot point in a “Transformers” movie. Don’t overthink your problems, just call up the Decepticon inside and enjoy the action. There’s plenty of time later for tequila and regret.
Aquarius: Forget jumping from the frying pan to the fire; practice those leg lunges until you can clear the whole stove. Let someone else worry about having a toasted hiney. You’ll be checking out the fridge for snacks.
Pisces: Your mastery of indecision is topped only by your fierce dedication to procrastination. You actually accomplish something by Wednesday, so take Thursday off to celebrate. Or make it Friday instead. Saturday would work, too.