You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2011.

Aries: You’re not only about to cross a line, you’re ready to stomp on it, drag your butt up and down it and post pictures of everything on Facebook.  Before you loosen your belt and grab the camera, ponder who might be hurt by your actions. Or just by seeing your hairy rear on the Internet.

Taurus: You have accomplished so much, yet all you can do is whine about how much further you have to go. Look over your shoulder and see how far you’ve come. If that doesn’t work, knock someone off a scooter and ride the rest of the way.

Gemini: A burden has been lifted from you. Quick, look busy, because Nature abhors a vacuum, especially one with all the hoses and attachments.

Cancer:  An event will make you smile on Wednesday. It could be the first laugh of a baby or someone falling flat on their butt then jumping up and pretending nothing happened. Either way, bring a camcorder.

Leo: The universe provides what you need, especially when you continually send it e-mails and texts detailing your desires. Expect a generous bribe from Karma this week just to get you off her voicemail.

Virgo: Your hidden side shows through on Thursday. Will it be a peek of leather under that business suit or a quiet squeee over the last Harry Potter film? Keep your cool, if anyone saw your freak flag, they’re not pointing and screaming yet.

Libra: Smile, because you’ll be more popular than a case of prunes in a retirement center this week. Whatever happens, just go with the flow.

Scorpio: Your love life has taken over your days, and your problems are piling up outside the door. It’s hard to get something off your chest when it’s covered in whipped cream, but you need to try. OK, one more time, then try.

Sagittarius: You have the attention span of an addlepated gerbil, and running up and down the Internet tubes watching stupid videos isn’t helping. Hop on your wheel and get some work done.

Capricorn: Don’t stand there and tell the universe “What?” You know what you did wrong. Go make amends before Karma grounds you with extreme prejudice.

Aquarius: An opportunity is heading your way, and it will be sweeter than that time the school bully was chased by Dobermans. Yeah, that good, so be prepared.

Pisces: Somehow your life’s theme has grown from Shaggy’s “Zoinks!” to Spongebob’s “I’m ready!” It’s a good move, even if all your heroes are two-dimensional. You may be on to something with that. At least Patrick the starfish has never had a Twitter photo scandal.

Aries: Keep your head down until you figure out who painted that bright red target between your eyes. It could take some time, unless you look down and see the Sharpie still clutched in your own hand.

Taurus: You may believe that the best things in life are free, but your honey insists you pay the electricity bill to keep the A/C going Do it, because while being hot, sweaty and slapped upside the head is free, it’s not one of the better feelings.

Gemini:  You have a rare opportunity to be right this week, but doing a victory dance over it means you may never see that moment again. Yes, it’s hard to be humble, but give a whirl anyway.

Cancer: Kindness doesn’t feed the bulldog, but it does keep your security deposit intact by taking him for a walk afterwards. Repay the favor before your own landscape is covered in poo.

Leo: Cell phone, email, texts, Twitter…you have more connections than the Borg, and about as much independence. Step back for a day and remember what it’s like to only hear your own voice in your head.

Virgo: Someone you know is marching to the beat of a different drummer, and that really pisses you off. Before you demand they get back in formation, listen to the new rhythm. It could be a catchy tune you’ll enjoy after you crush someone’s innocent soul.

Libra: You’ve tied yourself in more knots than Stretch Armstrong playing Twister. Loosen up before you entangle any more friends in your game of emotional Chicken and get caught in a massive clusterpluck.

Scorpio: The solution to your problem is easy: all it takes is a little love and a great big hammer. Call up Thor and see if you can borrow his. Just don’t bop anyone on the head, that job only belongs to Little Bunny FooFoo.

Sagittarius: Find the joy in the little things today, like a well-earned compliment, a good deed done well, or that free 50-inch TV someone just delivered to your house. No TV? Well, at least you have the kudos.

Capricorn: The right thing isn’t easy and the easy thing isn’t right; all you can bet on in life is that the fun thing is almost always wrong. Plan accordingly.

Aquarius: Break out the margarita mix and your best stretchy pants, because good news is heading your way, and you’ll want to be comfortable when all the camera crews arrive. Don’t add the tequila until afterwards, of course; you don’t want to be so comfy that a cop shows up with a Breathalyzer.

Pisces: You’ve wished for days of sunshine, but now you want an umbrella. Don’t pout, just settle for a tiny one stuck in a frosty drink. It’s all good.

Aries: When you ignore life’s gentle hints, the universe moves up to slightly rude nudging. After that, it’s caveman clue-stick time. Considering how observant you usually are, don’t leave the house without a helmet this week.

Taurus: After the incident with the naked mole rat and the spaghetti strainer, it will become clear to everyone that you have no idea what you’re doing. Look for a new job that doesn’t involve sales and marketing; the rat will thank you.

Gemini: You are easily influenced, which explains your closet of questionable t-shirts and skorts. Think for yourself before taking some advice, otherwise it’s the paisley Capri pants of 1995 all over again.

Cancer:  You’re a Ford Pinto in a world of Ferraris; you may not be in the fast lane, but you’re just as exciting. No one knows when you’ll break down or blow up.

Leo: Life may be about the journey, but you could use a few more pit stops along the way. It’s difficult to enjoy those one-of-a-kind moments when your legs are crossed in the pee-pee dance.

Virgo: Don’t worry about what makes your sweetie tick. Be more concerned at how large the blast zone will be. Hopefully a night out might defuse the situation, because there’s no blue wire.

Libra: Don’t bow to peer pressure on Tuesday. If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too? Think carefully if your friends are named Thelma, Butch or Sundance.

Scorpio: A situation comes up this week, and you realize with horror there’s no app for that. You can either seal yourself up in a room and build one, or actually speak face to face with someone, live and in person. Hope dinner fits under the door.

Sagittarius: You can spend time finding your bliss, but you better pray there’s a paycheck stapled to the bottom of it. If not, enjoy the fulfilling life of part-time inner peace, full-time fry cook.

Capricorn: You’re feeling more ignored than a plot point in a “Transformers” movie. Don’t overthink your problems, just call up the Decepticon inside and enjoy the action. There’s plenty of time later for tequila and regret.

Aquarius: Forget jumping from the frying pan to the fire; practice those leg lunges until you can clear the whole stove. Let someone else worry about having a toasted hiney. You’ll be checking out the fridge for snacks.

Pisces: Your mastery of indecision is topped only by your fierce dedication to procrastination. You actually accomplish something by Wednesday, so take Thursday off to celebrate. Or make it Friday instead. Saturday would work, too.

Aries: You have the chance to make one of your dreams come true. Choose wisely, because any roles previously played by Angelina Jolie will now be played by Snooki.

Taurus: A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a lot of knowledge just makes you scream at the TV. Try to hit the middle ground; you’ll be a formidable Scrabble player but you won’t need medication. OK, not more than a couple of margaritas.

Gemini: Whoever said in beauty there is truth never really got an up-close look at the dame. She might have a great personality, but there’s a reason you can only talk to her with beer goggles on. Do what you gotta do, because she holds the key to your success on Friday.

Cancer: Have you lost your mojo? Even your stalker is feeling ‘meh’ about you these days. You can try a new cologne, or you can take advantage of the fact that no one’s watching your every move and break out those Mork suspenders and Hammer pants.

Leo: If you forget history, you may not be doomed to repeat it, but you could end up in a special summer class. Take a study break before the universe whips out those final exams.

Virgo: If all the world’s a stage, why are you still out front selling popcorn? March down that aisle, hop in the spotlight and show ‘em what you’ve got. You’ll at least make the evening news when the cops drag you away.

Libra: The world will be yours between 11:45 and 11:50 this Thursday. If you break anything, it will come out of your karma.

Scorpio: Watch what you say this week; one nasty phrase will take you from a sweet roll in the hay to rolling in crap with all the other dogs.

Sagittarius: Now that you’ve solved your major dilemma, you’re finding out inner peace isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Who wants to be happy and content all the time? Ick. Go bungee-jumping with three of your rudest friends; first one to bleed or vomit buys the beer.

Capricorn: You knew this day would come. The calendar gave you a clue, lining them all up one after the other. Try to do something with it besides doodling stick figures with giant body parts within the margins.

Aquarius: Quit sitting indoors waiting for that cellulite to dissolve in between the couch cushions. Life is short! Throw on that orthopedic swimsuit and go get some sand in embarrassing places.

Pisces: Want to clone yourself so you’ll get more done? Be realistic. Five more of you just means more procrastinating, whining and cleaning up after yourself. One doesn’t sound like such a lonely number any more, does it?

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