Aries: You’re smoking hot and prickly with excitement. Before you make any big moves, invest in some medicated powder. It will make your week go much smoother and you won’t be able to blame that itch deep down in your soul on a heat rash.

Taurus: You don’t need all the words, just the right ones. Could be “I love you” or “Stop that, idiot.” Depends on what you walk into on Thursday.

Gemini: Some rules are made to be broken. If you don’t put all your eggs in one basket, you’re going to look silly dragging 12 shopping carts with an egg in each one. Go ahead, be brave; just watch out and don’t crack under pressure.

Cancer: The last time your common sense had a workout, headbands and matching legwarmers were in style. Get physical with some brainpower before you make a decision this week. If you don’t use the old noodle, it will go limp.

Leo: Forget burning your candle at both ends; you’ve upgraded to one of those compact fluorescent bulbs. Your light will shine brighter than ever but when you do finally pop, it will take a hazmat team to get you to safety.

Virgo: You feel invisible, like the universe doesn’t even know you’re there. Don’t sit near doorways or you’ll end up a coat rack. On the bright side, you can’t be blamed for trouble if no one notices you.

Libra: Not every bird is born to fly. Some just hang around the house and whistle the “Andy Griffith” theme until their owner’s brain bleeds. If you can’t soar, maybe you can sing your way into an inheritance.

Scorpio: If there’s a quiet grace around you, it’s because you pay her fifty bucks a week to shut up. Watch out, she’s silent but deadly, and those text messages may have a stink you’ll never wash off.

Sagittarius: You’re as sincere as a car commercial at Christmas, and everyone knows there’s too much fine print under your big red bow. Work on your feelings, and maybe folks will take you as seriously as a Hallmark ad.

Capricorn: Your week will include a pair of kitchen tongs, a case of Red Bull and a disturbing tweet from Charlie Sheen. Relax, your lawyer will explain everything once you’re bailed out and the chicken farmer has accepted your bribe.

Aquarius: Don’t worry if you’re a few fries short of a Happy Meal, they deep-fry millions of those suckers every day. You’re only in trouble if you’re missing the toy.

Pisces: You can speak softly and carry a big stick, but people still won’t hear you if they’re unconscious. Perhaps if you say something before the beatings start, you’ll be understood. And your arm will be less sore.

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