Aries: It’s time to put up or shut up, and most people hope you choose the ‘zip it’ option. It usually means fewer trips to the emergency room.

Taurus: What can leap tall buildings in a single bound? That secret you just spilled to someone. Better find some Kryptonite soon before it starts zipping around the earth.

Gemini: Into every life a little rain must full, but the sudden downpour of poodles and Persians has you befuddled. Next time watch where you’re going; you’ve just stumbled into a funny pet video.

Cancer: There’s a lot to be said for your attitude, but you really don’t want to hear any of it. Enraged pirates from the Bronx don’t use that kind of language. Adjust your outlook before your ears burn off.

Leo: You know what you want, but not how to get it. Forget passing “Go” for $200, fold up the whole game, stick it under your bed and hold out for much more.

Virgo: Your rules may be carved in stone, but someone has just found a box of dynamite. Loosen up before you find yourself under a pile of your own debris.

Libra: There’s a better day coming. Expect it next Tuesday. Wouldn’t hurt to put out some refreshments either, maybe some cake and punch.

Scorpio: If you start now, you can be an overnight success in about ten years. Give up and rejection is yours immediately. If you’re into quick returns, failure is always an option. It’s not the most rewarding one, but it does involve a lot of shame and daytime TV.

Sagittarius: You’ll find treasure in a small chest this week, which is unusual. Typically, only big chests turn you on.

Capricorn: It’s not like you to just go around an obstacle instead of head-butting your way through it. Get back to your bulldozer ways; that emotional hyperspace bypass won’t build itself.

Aquarius: Each day is a gift to be opened and cherished. Still, you’re occasionally going to get socks and underwear that are way too small for you. Thank the universe and drop your day off at the thrift store. Maybe the next one will include a gift card.

Pisces: Your dreams are filled with cosmic wisdom and hidden messages, but don’t try to explain them to anyone, just doze off. You make more sense when you talk in your sleep anyway.

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