Aries: Facing your fears isn’t fun, but it beats having them sneak up and bite you in the butt. Grab a rolled-up newspaper and conquer those personal demons while you still have a little hiney left.
Taurus: Some days are good, and some roll out of the factory with rat poop and a giant hair baked into them. Tuesday may be nasty, but if you kept the receipt you’ll be okay.
Gemini: You’re about to have a day so good, you’ll wonder if you’re being Punk’d. Don’t worry, it’s all from good karma. Now if you could just remember what you did to get it, you would have it made.
Cancer: There’s an art to screwing up so badly you make the boss laugh instead of fire you. For you, this will involve a roll of wire, a dozen magnets and an armadillo. Have a heart and buy the armadillo a beer afterward.
Leo: Are you feeling some splinters in the windmills of your mind? It could be time for a vacation. Take a break and upgrade your brain to solar energy. You’ll have a sunnier disposition, and you won’t have to worry about that Quixote character anymore.
Virgo: You must be desperate if you’re actually paying attention to your horoscope this week. The universe may take pity on you and send you a free pizza coupon.
Libra: If something doesn’t add up, take a look in the back of the book for the answer. It’s okay just this one time; karma hates word problems, too.
Scorpio: Yes, you are here for the amusement of the powers that be. This week, your biggest event will be the punchline to a joke involving zombies, Sarah Palin and a horse that walks into a bar.
Sagittarius: You have a lot of love in your heart, and even more located further south. Go meet some new people or your next date will require an air pump and patch kit.
Capricorn: True inner peace comes from wanting what you already have. If you can’t swing that, try a big-screen TV, some beer and a naughty movie. Just stay off the Internet; all you’ll find on there are cat videos and naked photos of politicians.
Aquarius: It’s a long, rocky road to overnight success and stardom unless you’re willing to give up your dignity, privacy and common sense for a jet pack ride to reality TV. Hey, who needs self-respect these days anyway?
Pisces: When life picks up the pace, you’re like Lucy on the chocolate line, stuffing moments away. This week, you find the controls and slow everything back down. Hey, it’s not great comedy, but it’s good for your soul.