You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2011.

Aries: You’re smoking hot and prickly with excitement. Before you make any big moves, invest in some medicated powder. It will make your week go much smoother and you won’t be able to blame that itch deep down in your soul on a heat rash.

Taurus: You don’t need all the words, just the right ones. Could be “I love you” or “Stop that, idiot.” Depends on what you walk into on Thursday.

Gemini: Some rules are made to be broken. If you don’t put all your eggs in one basket, you’re going to look silly dragging 12 shopping carts with an egg in each one. Go ahead, be brave; just watch out and don’t crack under pressure.

Cancer: The last time your common sense had a workout, headbands and matching legwarmers were in style. Get physical with some brainpower before you make a decision this week. If you don’t use the old noodle, it will go limp.

Leo: Forget burning your candle at both ends; you’ve upgraded to one of those compact fluorescent bulbs. Your light will shine brighter than ever but when you do finally pop, it will take a hazmat team to get you to safety.

Virgo: You feel invisible, like the universe doesn’t even know you’re there. Don’t sit near doorways or you’ll end up a coat rack. On the bright side, you can’t be blamed for trouble if no one notices you.

Libra: Not every bird is born to fly. Some just hang around the house and whistle the “Andy Griffith” theme until their owner’s brain bleeds. If you can’t soar, maybe you can sing your way into an inheritance.

Scorpio: If there’s a quiet grace around you, it’s because you pay her fifty bucks a week to shut up. Watch out, she’s silent but deadly, and those text messages may have a stink you’ll never wash off.

Sagittarius: You’re as sincere as a car commercial at Christmas, and everyone knows there’s too much fine print under your big red bow. Work on your feelings, and maybe folks will take you as seriously as a Hallmark ad.

Capricorn: Your week will include a pair of kitchen tongs, a case of Red Bull and a disturbing tweet from Charlie Sheen. Relax, your lawyer will explain everything once you’re bailed out and the chicken farmer has accepted your bribe.

Aquarius: Don’t worry if you’re a few fries short of a Happy Meal, they deep-fry millions of those suckers every day. You’re only in trouble if you’re missing the toy.

Pisces: You can speak softly and carry a big stick, but people still won’t hear you if they’re unconscious. Perhaps if you say something before the beatings start, you’ll be understood. And your arm will be less sore.

Aries: It’s time to put up or shut up, and most people hope you choose the ‘zip it’ option. It usually means fewer trips to the emergency room.

Taurus: What can leap tall buildings in a single bound? That secret you just spilled to someone. Better find some Kryptonite soon before it starts zipping around the earth.

Gemini: Into every life a little rain must full, but the sudden downpour of poodles and Persians has you befuddled. Next time watch where you’re going; you’ve just stumbled into a funny pet video.

Cancer: There’s a lot to be said for your attitude, but you really don’t want to hear any of it. Enraged pirates from the Bronx don’t use that kind of language. Adjust your outlook before your ears burn off.

Leo: You know what you want, but not how to get it. Forget passing “Go” for $200, fold up the whole game, stick it under your bed and hold out for much more.

Virgo: Your rules may be carved in stone, but someone has just found a box of dynamite. Loosen up before you find yourself under a pile of your own debris.

Libra: There’s a better day coming. Expect it next Tuesday. Wouldn’t hurt to put out some refreshments either, maybe some cake and punch.

Scorpio: If you start now, you can be an overnight success in about ten years. Give up and rejection is yours immediately. If you’re into quick returns, failure is always an option. It’s not the most rewarding one, but it does involve a lot of shame and daytime TV.

Sagittarius: You’ll find treasure in a small chest this week, which is unusual. Typically, only big chests turn you on.

Capricorn: It’s not like you to just go around an obstacle instead of head-butting your way through it. Get back to your bulldozer ways; that emotional hyperspace bypass won’t build itself.

Aquarius: Each day is a gift to be opened and cherished. Still, you’re occasionally going to get socks and underwear that are way too small for you. Thank the universe and drop your day off at the thrift store. Maybe the next one will include a gift card.

Pisces: Your dreams are filled with cosmic wisdom and hidden messages, but don’t try to explain them to anyone, just doze off. You make more sense when you talk in your sleep anyway.

Aries: Facing your fears isn’t fun, but it beats having them sneak up and bite you in the butt. Grab a rolled-up newspaper and conquer those personal demons while you still have a little hiney left.

Taurus: Some days are good, and some roll out of the factory with rat poop and a giant hair baked into them. Tuesday may be nasty, but if you kept the receipt you’ll be okay.

Gemini: You’re about to have a day so good, you’ll wonder if you’re being Punk’d. Don’t worry, it’s all from good karma. Now if you could just remember what you did to get it, you would have it made.

Cancer: There’s an art to screwing up so badly you make the boss laugh instead of fire you. For you, this will involve a roll of wire, a dozen magnets and an armadillo. Have a heart and buy the armadillo a beer afterward.

Leo: Are you feeling some splinters in the windmills of your mind? It could be time for a vacation. Take a break and upgrade your brain to solar energy. You’ll have a sunnier disposition, and you won’t have to worry about that Quixote character anymore.

Virgo: You must be desperate if you’re actually paying attention to your horoscope this week. The universe may take pity on you and send you a free pizza coupon.

Libra: If something doesn’t add up, take a look in the back of the book for the answer. It’s okay just this one time; karma hates word problems, too.

Scorpio: Yes, you are here for the amusement of the powers that be. This week, your biggest event will be the punchline to a joke involving zombies, Sarah Palin and a horse that walks into a bar.

Sagittarius: You have a lot of love in your heart, and even more located further south. Go meet some new people or your next date will require an air pump and patch kit.

Capricorn: True inner peace comes from wanting what you already have. If you can’t swing that, try a big-screen TV, some beer and a naughty movie. Just stay off the Internet; all you’ll find on there are cat videos and naked photos of politicians.

Aquarius:  It’s a long, rocky road to overnight success and stardom unless you’re willing to give up your dignity, privacy and common sense for a jet pack ride to reality TV. Hey, who needs self-respect these days anyway?

Pisces: When life picks up the pace, you’re like Lucy on the chocolate line, stuffing moments away. This week, you find the controls and slow everything back down. Hey, it’s not great comedy, but it’s good for your soul.

Aries: The wind is just right for your ship to finally come in. Try not to get any bright ideas about how to steer it, or your easy cruise will turn into the Titanic.

Taurus: You’ve known a lot of great people in your life. Pick up the phone and call one of them. You’ll make their day and you’ll feel good, too, providing you stay away from the phone list of crazy exes and weird relatives.

Gemini: In the midst of chaos, one thing will go right for you. Thankfully it will be the one thing to rule them all. Use that power well and don’t pick up any bad hobbits.

Cancer: You’re walking so high this week, the only way to keep your feet on the ground is to nail your boots to the floor. Could be good news, or it could be those vitamins are finally kicking in. Either way, enjoy a little air time.

Leo: You don’t want the picture that’s worth a thousand words. You want the one that worth a thousand bucks. Keep skulking around windows with that new camera and you’ll find it. The payoff could be worth the restraining order.

Virgo: Normally you don’t change jobs like others change diapers, but your boss drops a load on your desk that just may be too stinky for even you to ignore.  Either grab the wet wipes or freshen up the resume.

Libra: Is there caffeine in the water supply? No, it’s just you, making everyone’s heart beat a little faster when you walk by. Raise those temperatures enough and you’ll have plenty of hot dates in the near future.

Scorpio: The universe is trying to tell you something, but you’ve got a bad connection and it’s speaking in Pig Latin. Run everything through a universal translator; it could mean the difference between rocket-like success and a hairy-legged princess.  If you get ‘em both, you’ll have a movie Disney won’t touch.

Sagittarius: If you know what you’re doing and it shows, you’re a good worker. If you don’t know what you’re doing and no one notices, you’re management. Play dumb for a little while, you could get promoted.

Capricorn: You’re feeling like an 8-track tape in an mp3 world. Don’t worry, someone will shove a little square of cardboard under your butt to balance you out.

Aquarius: There is almost no problem that can’t be solved by either a good cry, a pitcher of margaritas or a heartfelt compliment. Keep running through them all until you get it right.

Pisces: Life can throw you in a box all it wants, but your hamster was never made for a wheel. Break out the four-wheeler and let your furball go offroading.

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