Aries: You’re heading off in a new direction this week; before you go, check your GPS. Just because you’re the lead lemming off the cliff doesn’t make the journey any better. At least tie a pillow around yourself.

Taurus: You’re feeling sadder than a country song, but there’s a cure. Just walk backwards through life for a while: you’ll get your job, your sweetie and your dog back.

Gemini: Confucius says, “The early bird gets the best seat in the movie theater.”  No, not really. If Confucius were around today, he’d be texting Lindsey Lohan for a hook-up. Still, try to be early everywhere this week, just in case.

Cancer:  Sticks and stones may break your bones, but one cross word about your mama or your truck and you’ll be beating the crap out of someone. Maybe now is a good time to start that whole meditation thing, before the felony happens.

Leo:  No one’s clapping for your sleight of hand skills. You either need new tricks or a new audience. Try those master illusions in front of a different crowd and you’ll feel that old magic again.

Virgo: There’s good news in your future, just not this week.  Keep the faith, though, because next week is feeling snazzier than a new ShamWow. It’ll also soak up everything you do on Wednesday.

Libra: You’re looking so good, the Kardashians are all wearing burkas because they just can’t compete. Use that mojo for something really important, like finding your true love or scoring at a really awesome shoe sale.

Scorpio: There’s a light in your eyes and a lift in your step. You really should fix that bare wire along the floor. It will take months to get that burned hair smell out of the living room.

Sagittarius: You’re more lost than a zombie in a room full of Hollywood actresses. Don’t worry, you’ll find a challenge to sink your teeth into soon.

Capricorn: Not every rose has its thorns. Some have flesh-eating bugs that will devour you without a second thought. Wear protection if you plan to fondle any particularly scary-gorgeous blooms. You don’t want your stem to fall off, do you?

Aquarius: Your week will be baked coolness drizzled in awesome sauce. Take a big bite, because you’ve been dieting too long on cardboard. If life is a banquet, this is your free pass to pull a chair right up to the dessert bar.

Pisces: You’ve kept your genie firmly corked while trying to fit in with everyone else. Open that bottle and let your magical weirdness fly. We’re betting that you’ll even be making a few wishes come true.