Aries: Quit running around like a drunken aardvark and notice there’s a calm before the storm. Use that time to find a hiding place instead of waggling your butt at the thunder.

Taurus: Your latest plan will be as effective as combing your chest hair with a rabid weasel: there will be a lot of spit and anguish before you’re done. Think up another way to reach your goal, something that doesn’t involve foam and sharp teeth.

Gemini: This week you’re all kite and no tail, spinning through the wind until some bald-headed kid gets you stuck in a tree. Don’t fight it; the branches fit you like a straitjacket, and you’ll have a lovely little vacation among the clouds.

Cancer: You may think a bad day of fishing is better than a good day at work, but just wait until someone grabs your tackle and breaks your pole. After this weekend, you’ll gladly spend a few days behind that nice, safe desk.

Leo: Grab that SPF 30, because you’re about to have your moment in the sun. Slather up and wear your shades so all the photogs catch your best side. Just kidding; every side is your best.

Virgo: You demand that everyone fall in line, but not every co-worker appreciates a goosestep. Loosen up and try a waltz to get your way, or completely blow their minds by doing the Macarena.

Libra: There’s a lot on your plate right now, but stabbing at it with your fork just moves it around. Be grateful for your bounty and finish it with a smile. If you feed the dog any more under the table, he’s going to need Woof Watchers.

Scorpio: When you feel lost and alone, remember this: no one else knows what the heck they’re doing, either. That’s why there are so many videos on YouTube involving SuperGlue. Watch that for a few minutes and you’ll feel like a genius.

Sagittarius: You’ve been shot down so much lately, you feel like Spiderman in a bug bomb factory. Sling one last web for the door, because you’re finally catching a break before you go all stiff on a windowsill.

Capricorn: Your job may feel as exciting as watching paint dry, but don’t actually lick the paint unless you’re prepared to explain later why you’ve built a fort out of paperclips and donut holes against the pirate zombie hoardes.

Aquarius: There’s a lot riding on this project:  two monkeys in cowboy outfits, a stuffed panda and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.  Finish up fast, or someone will be flinging poo and rice at your head.

Pisces: Some people are hothouse blossoms, wilting at the first sign of trouble. You’re a dandelion in a sidewalk crack, nothing can keep you down. Shine on, you crazy flower.

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