Aries: You may be sharp as a tack, but someone still has you under their thumb. Flip your pointy end the other way and give ‘em a little prick. They’ll be confused but you’ll feel better.

Taurus: Tired of playing it safe? You can catch more flies with honey, but for the kinky ones you’ll also need some clothespins, latex and a safe word. At least you’ll have plans for the weekend.

Gemini: A new opportunity lands at your feet on Wednesday, and it’s so amazing you should treat it like a $50 on the sidewalk: stomp on it, see if anyone’s looking, then grab it and run.

Cancer: You’ve been out in the rain so long you’re collecting barnacles up your backside. Do what you need to make things right with your sweetie, because another storm is on the horizon and Fido has blacklisted you from the doghouse.

Leo:  Many things can be said about you, but no one will ever state on the national news that you were quiet, kept to yourself, and nobody expected you to take out a gang of mimes with an apple peeler. So there’s that.

Virgo: It takes a great person to admit their shortcomings, but you’ve never tried to be great. Just as well, too, since that incident at the office party with the photocopier. Next time, set the scanner to enlarge.

Libra: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Could be that suet underwear you’re sporting. Forget the seedy shorts and just toss some crumbs instead. Remember, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Scorpio: Your plans for world domination go awry when you realize the phone reception in your hollowed-out volcano is atrocious. It’s just as well; everyone knows any supervillain worth his salt uses Twitter these days.

Sagittarius: A pink roller skate will be very important to you on Thursday. Could be a disco cash stash or just where the mice have been storing all your important papers in convenient bite-size pieces.

Capricorn: A thought occurs to you on Friday. Try to forget it quickly, especially if you work for the government or any large corporation. The alarm bells could frighten your co-workers.

Aquarius: You’re very good at hiding stuff, but sooner or later someone will ask about that Jimmy Hoffa-shaped lump under the living room rug. Air out a few secrets and you won’t be tripping over your own history anymore.

Pisces:  You’re hotter than a cup of lava on the devil’s desk this week. Everyone’s grabbing your handle, but for once in your life, you won’t be the one getting burned.

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