You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2011.

Aries: On Wednesday you’ll  see a bright light and end up with three hours of missing time. There’s no need to be concerned unless you also see and empty tequila bottle and have a sore rear end. Those aliens love to party and probe.

Taurus: What do you want? Really, really want? Yes, you’ll have to spend precious money/time/pride to get there, but it will be worth it. And it will shut you up, which will delight your family and co-workers.

Gemini: Is the universe being too gentle with you? Don’t worry, karma will grab you by the scruff of the neck and give you a good talking-to on Thursday. Maybe then you will appreciate what you have.

Cancer: You think you have the best poker face ever, but everyone around you knows your game is Candyassland. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you don’t try to up the ante.

Leo: You’ve had a lot of hard knocks lately, enough to make even your attitude stumble backwards. Grab the doorframe and breathe in; karma’s giving you a chance to punch back and win.

Virgo: There’s a lot in your life to be proud of, but what you did on Friday night isn’t part of it. Buy up photos, erase memories and do some apologizing before the ferret gets a lawyer.

Libra: It’s all good fun until someone loses an eye. Be a sport and help them find it on the floor before some idiot walks in with cleats.

Scorpio: If you had a clue you’d be in the study figuring out what happened to the lead pipe you keep under the sink. Forget Col. Mustard, you need to call a plumber before you’re up to your neck in hot water.

Sagittarius: There’s a lot of love in the room, but none of it is coming for you. Just as well, half of it is probably infected. Use latex gloves and bleach when you clean up after this party.

Capricorn: Your talent for getting out of trouble is only rivaled by your ability to find it. Do the world a favor and rest both gifts for a while. Read a book, for goodness’ sake.

Aquarius: Life isn’t perfect. Your butt’s too big, your check’s too small, and you’ll never be famous. That’s okay. You woke up this morning, so it’s another victory. Celebrate it without complaint.

Pisces:We could say don’t let the turkeys get you down, but they give a pretty good massage. It’s okay to get a little hen-pecked, as long as you get up again to face the day.

Aries: You’re heading off in a new direction this week; before you go, check your GPS. Just because you’re the lead lemming off the cliff doesn’t make the journey any better. At least tie a pillow around yourself.

Taurus: You’re feeling sadder than a country song, but there’s a cure. Just walk backwards through life for a while: you’ll get your job, your sweetie and your dog back.

Gemini: Confucius says, “The early bird gets the best seat in the movie theater.”  No, not really. If Confucius were around today, he’d be texting Lindsey Lohan for a hook-up. Still, try to be early everywhere this week, just in case.

Cancer:  Sticks and stones may break your bones, but one cross word about your mama or your truck and you’ll be beating the crap out of someone. Maybe now is a good time to start that whole meditation thing, before the felony happens.

Leo:  No one’s clapping for your sleight of hand skills. You either need new tricks or a new audience. Try those master illusions in front of a different crowd and you’ll feel that old magic again.

Virgo: There’s good news in your future, just not this week.  Keep the faith, though, because next week is feeling snazzier than a new ShamWow. It’ll also soak up everything you do on Wednesday.

Libra: You’re looking so good, the Kardashians are all wearing burkas because they just can’t compete. Use that mojo for something really important, like finding your true love or scoring at a really awesome shoe sale.

Scorpio: There’s a light in your eyes and a lift in your step. You really should fix that bare wire along the floor. It will take months to get that burned hair smell out of the living room.

Sagittarius: You’re more lost than a zombie in a room full of Hollywood actresses. Don’t worry, you’ll find a challenge to sink your teeth into soon.

Capricorn: Not every rose has its thorns. Some have flesh-eating bugs that will devour you without a second thought. Wear protection if you plan to fondle any particularly scary-gorgeous blooms. You don’t want your stem to fall off, do you?

Aquarius: Your week will be baked coolness drizzled in awesome sauce. Take a big bite, because you’ve been dieting too long on cardboard. If life is a banquet, this is your free pass to pull a chair right up to the dessert bar.

Pisces: You’ve kept your genie firmly corked while trying to fit in with everyone else. Open that bottle and let your magical weirdness fly. We’re betting that you’ll even be making a few wishes come true.

Aries: Could it be that you’ve actually found a moment of peace, quiet and reflection? A time to consider what choices you’ve made in life? Egad, we can’t have you doing anything that thoughtful. Start planning a monster truck rally in your backyard immediately before you realize your mistakes.

Taurus: For you, it’s not about the journey. Heck, it’s not even about the destination. For you, it’s all about making sure the stove is turned off and the windows are closed before you ever leave the house. Grab that checklist, you know you want to.

Gemini: Into every life a little rain must fall, but this time it’s you piddling on someone else’s Wheaties. Reconsider that momentary meanness before someone racks you up during a courtesy shake.

Cancer: There are potholes no matter what road you travel, but you’ve found one so deep you can see the Mad Hatter. Keep your head and engage your four-wheel drive and find the pavement again.

Leo: Your days will go much smoother when you realize you’re not surrounded by a posse, a retinue or even your “people.” They’re your family. They do love you, but they will never make you look good. Piss them off and those goofy teenage pictures will start seeing the light of day.

Virgo: If all you see these days are greener pastures, stop and clean your glasses. Your field is fine, it just needs a little more crap slung around so the grass will grow.

Libra: Stop right now and enjoy today. This is as good as it gets. If that thought depresses you, then you believe way too much of what you see on television.

Scorpio: On Thursday, every light is green and every door is open. Take those chances and be bold; you’ll be surprised at the results. So will your boss. If you shock him too much, buy him a drink later.

Sagittarius:  After a bump on the head from a wayward woodpecker, you develop amazing psychic powers. You can’t predict anyone’s future, but you make a great living telling them where the remote is hidden.

Capricorn: It’s not a matter of you seizing the day, it’s more about you just sneaking up on it and giving it a goose. A good cosmic shriek can do wonders for your luck, but not so much for your eardrums.

Aquarius: You rediscover a piece of your soul you thought was sold off long ago to buy some strappy shoes. Plant it and water it: a whole new life may bloom.

Pisces: You’ve been quiet on the outside, but inside, you’re screaming like a teen slasher movie queen.  Things should settle down, as long as you don’t go naked in the woods at night.

Aries: Quit running around like a drunken aardvark and notice there’s a calm before the storm. Use that time to find a hiding place instead of waggling your butt at the thunder.

Taurus: Your latest plan will be as effective as combing your chest hair with a rabid weasel: there will be a lot of spit and anguish before you’re done. Think up another way to reach your goal, something that doesn’t involve foam and sharp teeth.

Gemini: This week you’re all kite and no tail, spinning through the wind until some bald-headed kid gets you stuck in a tree. Don’t fight it; the branches fit you like a straitjacket, and you’ll have a lovely little vacation among the clouds.

Cancer: You may think a bad day of fishing is better than a good day at work, but just wait until someone grabs your tackle and breaks your pole. After this weekend, you’ll gladly spend a few days behind that nice, safe desk.

Leo: Grab that SPF 30, because you’re about to have your moment in the sun. Slather up and wear your shades so all the photogs catch your best side. Just kidding; every side is your best.

Virgo: You demand that everyone fall in line, but not every co-worker appreciates a goosestep. Loosen up and try a waltz to get your way, or completely blow their minds by doing the Macarena.

Libra: There’s a lot on your plate right now, but stabbing at it with your fork just moves it around. Be grateful for your bounty and finish it with a smile. If you feed the dog any more under the table, he’s going to need Woof Watchers.

Scorpio: When you feel lost and alone, remember this: no one else knows what the heck they’re doing, either. That’s why there are so many videos on YouTube involving SuperGlue. Watch that for a few minutes and you’ll feel like a genius.

Sagittarius: You’ve been shot down so much lately, you feel like Spiderman in a bug bomb factory. Sling one last web for the door, because you’re finally catching a break before you go all stiff on a windowsill.

Capricorn: Your job may feel as exciting as watching paint dry, but don’t actually lick the paint unless you’re prepared to explain later why you’ve built a fort out of paperclips and donut holes against the pirate zombie hoardes.

Aquarius: There’s a lot riding on this project:  two monkeys in cowboy outfits, a stuffed panda and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.  Finish up fast, or someone will be flinging poo and rice at your head.

Pisces: Some people are hothouse blossoms, wilting at the first sign of trouble. You’re a dandelion in a sidewalk crack, nothing can keep you down. Shine on, you crazy flower.

Aries: You may be sharp as a tack, but someone still has you under their thumb. Flip your pointy end the other way and give ‘em a little prick. They’ll be confused but you’ll feel better.

Taurus: Tired of playing it safe? You can catch more flies with honey, but for the kinky ones you’ll also need some clothespins, latex and a safe word. At least you’ll have plans for the weekend.

Gemini: A new opportunity lands at your feet on Wednesday, and it’s so amazing you should treat it like a $50 on the sidewalk: stomp on it, see if anyone’s looking, then grab it and run.

Cancer: You’ve been out in the rain so long you’re collecting barnacles up your backside. Do what you need to make things right with your sweetie, because another storm is on the horizon and Fido has blacklisted you from the doghouse.

Leo:  Many things can be said about you, but no one will ever state on the national news that you were quiet, kept to yourself, and nobody expected you to take out a gang of mimes with an apple peeler. So there’s that.

Virgo: It takes a great person to admit their shortcomings, but you’ve never tried to be great. Just as well, too, since that incident at the office party with the photocopier. Next time, set the scanner to enlarge.

Libra: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Could be that suet underwear you’re sporting. Forget the seedy shorts and just toss some crumbs instead. Remember, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Scorpio: Your plans for world domination go awry when you realize the phone reception in your hollowed-out volcano is atrocious. It’s just as well; everyone knows any supervillain worth his salt uses Twitter these days.

Sagittarius: A pink roller skate will be very important to you on Thursday. Could be a disco cash stash or just where the mice have been storing all your important papers in convenient bite-size pieces.

Capricorn: A thought occurs to you on Friday. Try to forget it quickly, especially if you work for the government or any large corporation. The alarm bells could frighten your co-workers.

Aquarius: You’re very good at hiding stuff, but sooner or later someone will ask about that Jimmy Hoffa-shaped lump under the living room rug. Air out a few secrets and you won’t be tripping over your own history anymore.

Pisces:  You’re hotter than a cup of lava on the devil’s desk this week. Everyone’s grabbing your handle, but for once in your life, you won’t be the one getting burned.

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