Aries:  There are many ways to approach the speed bumps of life. You can gently ease over them or hit ‘em hard enough to catch some serious air. Keep some peanuts in the glove box so you’ll have an inflight meal.

Taurus: Beauty is only skin-deep, but you weren’t prepared to go much farther than that anyway. Next time, pick a sweetie by seeing what’s inside first. Ask for some X-rays.

Gemini: You’re about to jump into a battle of wits with nothing more than a few YoMomma jokes. Sharpen that tongue by training with a grandmaster of sarcasm. How will you find them?  It will be the person rolling their eyes whenever you walk past.

Cancer: The future is so bright, you’re going to need sunscreen. Watch that mole, too, it’s starting to look like Abraham Lincoln in a Speedo.

Leo: The problem with always being on is that eventually you’re going to burn out a bulb. Take some time to yourself before you blow a fuse or an ugly person. Either one is a cry for help.

Virgo: A sip of your personality is usually the nectar of the gods, but this week they’re cutting it with vodka just to get through the day. Back off from those crazy obsessions for a while, and you’ll be sweet again in no time.

Libra: Sometimes you just need to hear that everything’s gonna be all right. Here it is: everything’s going to be fine. There are no monsters under your bed, just a half-eaten Hot Pocket. Finish your drink of water, and get back to dreaming.

Scorpio: There’s change coming on the wind. How much you’ll get depends on how far you step out into the breeze. Be careful, though. Unless you’re tied down, you could end up in another state with someone else’s life.

Sagittarius: There’s nothing wrong with you that five bananas, a white board and a robot fish can’t fix. It may not be the key to success, but it will keep you occupied over the weekend.

Capricorn: You’re changing your focus so often, your lens is about to crack. No one wants a camera with split personalities, so relax and pick a scene. Work on your timing and you can even stay in the picture.

Aquarius: There’s a simple beauty to the truth, but your story is made up worse than a beauty queen at a mall cosmetics counter. Scrub it down to the bare essentials and your words will shine.

Pisces: Tired of searching for all the answers? The universe doesn’t give you solutions, it just provides you with the straight line. Coming up with the punchline for the cosmic joke is all on you, baby.

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