Aries: Hard work may attract good luck, but in your case, you need something extra. Throw on some high heels and cheap perfume. If you can’t turn on Lady Luck, maybe you can make her laugh.
Taurus: A second chance at love will be Tuesday’s catch of the day. True, there are more fish in the sea, but no one else wants to grab your bobbers. Reel ‘em back in.
Gemini: That plan to surprise your lady with a shower of baked goods backfires. Plan to spend the next few days in the basement. You should have known better: Hell hath no fury like a woman scone’d.
Cancer: If you see a penny and pick it up, all the day you’ll have good luck. Especially if you keep following the guy with a hole in his pocket. Keep your eyes peeled for a $20.
Leo: Your mojo is turned up so high, you may accidentally roast pigeons as they fly overhead. Get close enough to your sweetie to warm their heart, but not so close you melt their face.
Virgo: Slow and steady wins the race, but it doesn’t get you home in time to watch Maury. Try a little fast and sloppy action on Friday, and you’ll be in your comfy sweats guessing the babydaddy before the first commercial break.
Libra: Who says you can’t judge a book by its cover? Considering how much you spent on that jacket, you’re hoping someone turns you over just to see your blurbs. Just be careful and don’t let them crease your pages.
Scorpio: The solution finally comes to you for that problem at work, and you’re kicking yourself because you didn’t see it sooner. Why be so selfish? Save some of that boot-to-the-butt action for the office because they didn’t think of it either. Slackers.
Sagittarius: You are a special little snowflake in the never-ending blizzard of the universe, but you’ll still sizzle across the first tongue you land on. Avoid the ski bunnies and aim for the mountaintop; if you stick together with some friends, maybe you can trip a snowboarder.
Capricorn: Most people say that Sir Isaac Newton came up with his theory of gravity because of an apple, but you’re pretty sure it was tequila, especially after doing shots with nerds. They can hold a lightsaber, but not their liquor.
Aquarius: Thanks to a wild weekend with a platypus, an electric shaver and a bottle of hot pink nail polish, your memory is fuzzy but your butt isn’t. Who knew platypuses were so good at bar bets?
Pisces: With your new attitude, you’ll stick to those dreams like jelly-covered toast to a freshly painted wall. You’ll definitely leave your mark, but you might also draw ants.