Aries: A sign from above catches your eye, and for once it’s not “Cheap Tattoos and All You Can Eat Buffet.” No one should have a Richter Scale of hot sauce-induced hiccups inked across their back. Twice.

Taurus: Your earthy sensuality and bone-headed frugality clash in the boudoir this weekend. Next time, spring for real edible undies instead of stitching an 80-cent package of generic cheese slices together. Or bring some toast.

Gemini: Your crazy schemes could put Lucy and Ethel to shame, but that’s not the real reason you have chocolates stuffed down your shirt, is it? Forget about Vegas; what happens in the candy shop makes you the latest gossip at the dry cleaners.

Cancer: You have the heart of an eagle, but the grace of a Blue-Footed Booby. Don’t let it get you down; those eagles are stuck up anyway, and you have style. Find the rest of the boobies and get your flock on.

Leo: It’s hard to find a good-hearted mouse to pull the thorn from your paw when you look like you’ve rolled around on a cactus. Just consider it a spa treatment while you do your own plucking.

Virgo: Fortune favors the bold, but the odds are usually on the side of the sneaky. Before you make a stand, consult your inner weasel for the ultimate question: do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Libra: You’re looking as lovely as a spring flower, but the one you’re blooming for has a bad case of hayfever. Relax and drop a few petals; that hottie may just want a look at your stems before they do any digging in your garden.

Scorpio: Think you have it rough? You may not have a pot to piss in anymore, but at least you’re not the poor guy finding it at the end of the rainbow. No one wants that kind of gold.

Sagittarius: On Saturday you have a second chance to make a first impression and perhaps make it to third base. Sally forth, but when asked about your sixth sense, plead the fifth.

Capricorn: When it all feels hopeless and you don’t have the strength to carry on, remember this: at least you’re not in mime school. Right now some poor sucker is failing a course on how to get out of an imaginary box.

Aquarius: You strike it rich when you realize that everything in life goes better with bacon and ninjas. Your brand of tasty,fried assassins is an instant hit, making you so much money that you stuff $100 bills in your underwear and claim you’re a shrubbery.

Pisces: Just when you say “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit,” someone pops up with the margarine. Keep your half-baked buns to yourself and people will quit trying to get a rise out of you.

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