Aries: Truth can only be stranger than fiction if it’s been drinking vodka and licking Magic Markers all day. Even then, it can’t beat what you find on the Internet. Take this week with a few pounds of salt, because it’s all tasteless.

Taurus: Your cheapness clashes with your lust for adventure on Saturday, and you’ll have to make a choice: the bare essentials or a well-dressed wallet. Just remember, you can’t tuck a roll of pennies in someone’s G-string.

Gemini: Some days good fortune smiles on you and says you have a nice butt. Enjoy the attention, because you’ll be luckier than a leprechaun with a lottery ticket on Wednesday.

Cancer: Don’t hide your light under a bushel. You have something the world needs to see, so wave that sucker in the air like you’re listening to Free Bird. That sore thumb is totally worth it.

Leo: Your creativity knows no bounds, but a leash might be a good idea after it does something nasty in your neighbor’s flower beds. Take your muse in for some obedience training before it starts chasing squirrels.

Virgo: Something magical happens on Thursday when you combine three kumquats, a roll of Bubble Wrap and an octopus with a lisp. At the end of the day, you’ll either be arrested or have your own reality show.

Libra: Karma has plans for you, but you just aren’t into it this week. If you can’t have a date with destiny, at least go for coffee with it and let it down easy.

Scorpio: For you, money is easy come, easy go, and often at a speed that leaves paper cuts in between your fingers. Glue a long string to a few of those bills; they’ll still get tugged away, but at least it will be entertaining.

Sagittarius: You have a rare combination of ambition and cluelessness in the workplace, which makes you a prime candidate for upper management.  Pop into some meetings this week just to add some buzzwords and eat cake; that promotion will appear before you know it.

Capricorn: You’re bound to sow some wild oats but occasionally some poison ivy will get mixed up in your muesli. Learn from your mistakes and keep that prescription updated or you’ll walk funny for a few weeks.

Aquarius: Lately your career path looks like a caterpillar doing the moonwalk. A change of pace may be in order, or at least a change of dance music. As long as you don’t end up doing the Macarena, you’ll be fine.

Pisces: You give off the wonderful illusion of knowing what you’re doing. Keep that serene smile plastered on this Friday, because someone’s handing you a challenge bigger than you can imagine, but not as big as your dreams.

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