You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2011.

Aries:  There are many ways to approach the speed bumps of life. You can gently ease over them or hit ‘em hard enough to catch some serious air. Keep some peanuts in the glove box so you’ll have an inflight meal.

Taurus: Beauty is only skin-deep, but you weren’t prepared to go much farther than that anyway. Next time, pick a sweetie by seeing what’s inside first. Ask for some X-rays.

Gemini: You’re about to jump into a battle of wits with nothing more than a few YoMomma jokes. Sharpen that tongue by training with a grandmaster of sarcasm. How will you find them?  It will be the person rolling their eyes whenever you walk past.

Cancer: The future is so bright, you’re going to need sunscreen. Watch that mole, too, it’s starting to look like Abraham Lincoln in a Speedo.

Leo: The problem with always being on is that eventually you’re going to burn out a bulb. Take some time to yourself before you blow a fuse or an ugly person. Either one is a cry for help.

Virgo: A sip of your personality is usually the nectar of the gods, but this week they’re cutting it with vodka just to get through the day. Back off from those crazy obsessions for a while, and you’ll be sweet again in no time.

Libra: Sometimes you just need to hear that everything’s gonna be all right. Here it is: everything’s going to be fine. There are no monsters under your bed, just a half-eaten Hot Pocket. Finish your drink of water, and get back to dreaming.

Scorpio: There’s change coming on the wind. How much you’ll get depends on how far you step out into the breeze. Be careful, though. Unless you’re tied down, you could end up in another state with someone else’s life.

Sagittarius: There’s nothing wrong with you that five bananas, a white board and a robot fish can’t fix. It may not be the key to success, but it will keep you occupied over the weekend.

Capricorn: You’re changing your focus so often, your lens is about to crack. No one wants a camera with split personalities, so relax and pick a scene. Work on your timing and you can even stay in the picture.

Aquarius: There’s a simple beauty to the truth, but your story is made up worse than a beauty queen at a mall cosmetics counter. Scrub it down to the bare essentials and your words will shine.

Pisces: Tired of searching for all the answers? The universe doesn’t give you solutions, it just provides you with the straight line. Coming up with the punchline for the cosmic joke is all on you, baby.

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Aries: Hard work may attract good luck, but in your case, you need something extra. Throw on some high heels and cheap perfume. If you can’t turn on Lady Luck, maybe you can make her laugh.

Taurus: A second chance at love will be Tuesday’s catch of the day. True, there are more fish in the sea, but no one else wants to grab your bobbers. Reel ‘em back in.

Gemini: That plan to surprise your lady with a shower of baked goods backfires. Plan to spend the next few days in the basement. You should have known better: Hell hath no fury like a woman scone’d.

Cancer: If you see a penny and pick it up, all the day you’ll have good luck. Especially if you keep following the guy with a hole in his pocket. Keep your eyes peeled for a $20.

Leo: Your mojo is turned up so high, you may accidentally roast pigeons as they fly overhead. Get close enough to your sweetie to warm their heart, but not so close you melt their face.

Virgo: Slow and steady wins the race, but it doesn’t get you home in time to watch Maury.  Try a little fast and sloppy action on Friday, and you’ll be in your comfy sweats guessing the babydaddy before the first commercial break.

Libra: Who says you can’t judge a book by its cover? Considering how much you spent on that jacket, you’re hoping someone turns you over just to see your blurbs. Just be careful and don’t let them crease your pages.

Scorpio: The solution finally comes to you for that problem at work, and you’re kicking yourself because you didn’t see it sooner. Why be so selfish? Save some of that boot-to-the-butt action for the office because they didn’t think of it either. Slackers.

Sagittarius: You are a special little snowflake in the never-ending blizzard of the universe, but you’ll still sizzle across the first tongue you land on.  Avoid the ski bunnies and aim for the mountaintop; if you stick together with some friends, maybe you can trip a snowboarder.

Capricorn: Most people say that Sir Isaac Newton came up with his theory of gravity because of an apple, but you’re pretty sure it was tequila, especially after doing shots with nerds. They can hold a lightsaber, but not their liquor.

Aquarius: Thanks to a wild weekend with a platypus, an electric shaver and a bottle of hot pink nail polish, your memory is fuzzy but your butt isn’t. Who knew platypuses were so good at bar bets?

Pisces:  With your new attitude, you’ll stick to those dreams like jelly-covered toast to a freshly painted wall. You’ll definitely leave your mark, but you might also draw ants.

Aries: A sign from above catches your eye, and for once it’s not “Cheap Tattoos and All You Can Eat Buffet.” No one should have a Richter Scale of hot sauce-induced hiccups inked across their back. Twice.

Taurus: Your earthy sensuality and bone-headed frugality clash in the boudoir this weekend. Next time, spring for real edible undies instead of stitching an 80-cent package of generic cheese slices together. Or bring some toast.

Gemini: Your crazy schemes could put Lucy and Ethel to shame, but that’s not the real reason you have chocolates stuffed down your shirt, is it? Forget about Vegas; what happens in the candy shop makes you the latest gossip at the dry cleaners.

Cancer: You have the heart of an eagle, but the grace of a Blue-Footed Booby. Don’t let it get you down; those eagles are stuck up anyway, and you have style. Find the rest of the boobies and get your flock on.

Leo: It’s hard to find a good-hearted mouse to pull the thorn from your paw when you look like you’ve rolled around on a cactus. Just consider it a spa treatment while you do your own plucking.

Virgo: Fortune favors the bold, but the odds are usually on the side of the sneaky. Before you make a stand, consult your inner weasel for the ultimate question: do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Libra: You’re looking as lovely as a spring flower, but the one you’re blooming for has a bad case of hayfever. Relax and drop a few petals; that hottie may just want a look at your stems before they do any digging in your garden.

Scorpio: Think you have it rough? You may not have a pot to piss in anymore, but at least you’re not the poor guy finding it at the end of the rainbow. No one wants that kind of gold.

Sagittarius: On Saturday you have a second chance to make a first impression and perhaps make it to third base. Sally forth, but when asked about your sixth sense, plead the fifth.

Capricorn: When it all feels hopeless and you don’t have the strength to carry on, remember this: at least you’re not in mime school. Right now some poor sucker is failing a course on how to get out of an imaginary box.

Aquarius: You strike it rich when you realize that everything in life goes better with bacon and ninjas. Your brand of tasty,fried assassins is an instant hit, making you so much money that you stuff $100 bills in your underwear and claim you’re a shrubbery.

Pisces: Just when you say “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit,” someone pops up with the margarine. Keep your half-baked buns to yourself and people will quit trying to get a rise out of you.

Aries: Truth can only be stranger than fiction if it’s been drinking vodka and licking Magic Markers all day. Even then, it can’t beat what you find on the Internet. Take this week with a few pounds of salt, because it’s all tasteless.

Taurus: Your cheapness clashes with your lust for adventure on Saturday, and you’ll have to make a choice: the bare essentials or a well-dressed wallet. Just remember, you can’t tuck a roll of pennies in someone’s G-string.

Gemini: Some days good fortune smiles on you and says you have a nice butt. Enjoy the attention, because you’ll be luckier than a leprechaun with a lottery ticket on Wednesday.

Cancer: Don’t hide your light under a bushel. You have something the world needs to see, so wave that sucker in the air like you’re listening to Free Bird. That sore thumb is totally worth it.

Leo: Your creativity knows no bounds, but a leash might be a good idea after it does something nasty in your neighbor’s flower beds. Take your muse in for some obedience training before it starts chasing squirrels.

Virgo: Something magical happens on Thursday when you combine three kumquats, a roll of Bubble Wrap and an octopus with a lisp. At the end of the day, you’ll either be arrested or have your own reality show.

Libra: Karma has plans for you, but you just aren’t into it this week. If you can’t have a date with destiny, at least go for coffee with it and let it down easy.

Scorpio: For you, money is easy come, easy go, and often at a speed that leaves paper cuts in between your fingers. Glue a long string to a few of those bills; they’ll still get tugged away, but at least it will be entertaining.

Sagittarius: You have a rare combination of ambition and cluelessness in the workplace, which makes you a prime candidate for upper management.  Pop into some meetings this week just to add some buzzwords and eat cake; that promotion will appear before you know it.

Capricorn: You’re bound to sow some wild oats but occasionally some poison ivy will get mixed up in your muesli. Learn from your mistakes and keep that prescription updated or you’ll walk funny for a few weeks.

Aquarius: Lately your career path looks like a caterpillar doing the moonwalk. A change of pace may be in order, or at least a change of dance music. As long as you don’t end up doing the Macarena, you’ll be fine.

Pisces: You give off the wonderful illusion of knowing what you’re doing. Keep that serene smile plastered on this Friday, because someone’s handing you a challenge bigger than you can imagine, but not as big as your dreams.