Aries: Lady Luck streaks through your life on Wednesday, coming so close you can tell if she’s had a boob job. Be careful, that celestial body glitter is hard to explain when you get home.
Taurus: You’re not mad enough to let loose the dogs of war, but the poodles of pissed-off are ready to run. Hike your leg and get it all out of your system before you make a mess on the carpet.
Gemini: Those Wonder Twin powers will activate on Thursday, in the shape of a giant martini glass and a bucket of ice. Find a superhero who produces gin, and you’ve got a party.
Cancer: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Seriously, who wants to be that strong? Hide under the bed for a few days, and all it can do is leave you a nasty note. Thank goodness words can never harm you.
Leo: A new office threat is about as dangerous to you as a chicken hawk to Foghorn Leghorn. You may experience some cartoon violence, mild amusement and the realization that one of your co-workers is Looney Tunes.
Virgo: This week you’re an irresistible force, and someone else is an immoveable object. You may not make any progress, but you should have some fun banging against each other for a while.
Libra: On Friday you’re moving faster than a roller disco skater in a punk rock minefield. Either speed up the boogie or get some Ramones, because someone’s about to blow your sequined shorts off.
Scorpio: Stay away from mad women, hot glue guns and bad toupees unless you want to spend the next week looking like Bigfoot pulled through a lawnmower. It may not be your worst first date, but it’ll be close.
Sagittarius: Some are born to swim with the sharks, but you were made to float with the goldfish. Don’t worry if your next project goes belly up; one quick flush and you’ll be on your way to a better place.
Capricorn: The universe may not gift-wrap your wildest desires and leave them on your doorstep, but you do occasionally receive a cool gift bag with a pencil and some gum. Be thankful, because someone else just got the eraser and the wrapper.
Aquarius: Some days you’re the poop, some days you’re the scoop. Either way, most of your days are filled with crap until you become top dog. Go sniff out some fresh opportunities; it’s only brown-nosing if you’re doing it wrong.
Pisces: You’re feeling so good on Friday, it would take a jackhammer and three strong men to burst your bubble. Luckily, they’re all distracted by that tub of baby oil on your dresser, so enjoy this fine mood for as long as you can.