Aries: Normally you’re running around like Marvin the Martian, wondering “Where’s the ka-boom?” But this week, you slow down and enjoy a leisurely pace. Don’t expect people to match your speed, though. The lowest setting you have is Mach 2.
Taurus: You want to help, but not every situation is an emergency requiring your expertise. Know what happened to the boy who cried wolf? He had the crap beaten out of him by the local predators union, Wolf #359.
Gemini: Thursday won’t be your day, especially if you have a cellphone and a bottle of vodka. Drunk-texting your grandma is the least painful scenario, so practice your apologies now.
Cancer: If you have a quiet confidence about you, it’s only because your sweetie found the duct tape. Let everyone know how good you are the traditional way: write it on the bathroom walls.
Leo: The path to enlightenment is fraught with challenge, but even Buddha would pimp-slap some of these idiots. Take a day and do something more relaxing than work, like meditating on a freeway median.
Virgo: The office has become a roller coaster ride, and all your co-workers are one-armed, toothless carnies. The only way you’ll make it to the weekend is by throwing corn dogs and fried Twinkies at them as a distraction. At least it’ll finally make staff meetings interesting.
Libra: Trying to make a bad situation better is like putting lipstick on a pig. But the pig actually has a date on Friday and a high-limit credit card, so why fight it? Ask her to fix you up and you’ll be in hog heaven.
Scorpio: Don’t fork the toaster just because your mojo needs a zap; call up that honey you’ve been thinking about. They’ll jump you without the cables.
Sagittarius: Good luck is rarer than a blue moon, but you know what to do. Get a telescope, a t-shirt cannon and enough Cornflower-colored dye to soak that bad boy down.
Capricorn: Quit wishing for that lucky break. If wishes were horses, we’d all be armpit-deep in apple cores and horse crap. Cut Mr. Ed out of the action and saddle up some determination.
Aquarius: Not every romance has a happy ending; sometimes you actually get the girl. Turn that storybook into a tawdry dime-store novel and there could be a happy ending for both of you tonight.
Pisces: A major award is coming your way so expect some attention that may inflate your wallet but not your ego. Luckily, flattery doesn’t turn your head because you have the fused spine of low-self esteem.