Aries: You’re unluckier than Charlie Sheen with a speech impediment. You aim for a party, but you’ll end up with an evening full of snooker and rugs. Your luck changes because while both can be beaten, there’s no reason to press charges.

Taurus: Life is like a bat; just when you’re prepared for it to bite your neck, it gets tangled in your hair and makes you scream until you wee down your own leg. Stay out of the attic and your days will be puddle-free.

Gemini:  Your week is filled with small blessings. Put your best foot forward because you’re about to slide into a few, but you may need to scrape your shoes afterward.

Cancer: The world is at your fingertips and you’ve discovered it is ticklish. Try not to abuse your cosmic power, or people will blame you for the recent earthquakes.

Leo: Lately you’ve had more drama than a drag queen in a Spanish-language soap opera. If it all seemed absurd, take heart; the final credits are rolling and you’ll have a nice rest before the next episode.

Virgo: If every cloud has a silver lining, it’s only because duct tape is holding it together. Clouds are notoriously difficult to cash in anyway. You’re better off hoping for a spare $20 to blow across the parking lot.

Libra: A problem you’re facing can only be solved with diplomacy or blackmail, and your people skills are a little rusty. Your photography skills are much better, though, and someone has low windows.

Scorpio: People are drawn to you like moths to a homemade bug zapper. It could be that light in your eyes or the way you twitch when you get your wires crossed.

Sagittarius: Next time you curse when you shut your hand in the car door, look around: you’ve just emitted a klutz mating call. The next shriek of pain you hear could be your future sweetie fighting off a rogue shopping cart.

Capricorn: There may be more fish in the sea, but every one you’ve caught declares “Not tonight, I’ve got a haddock.” Don’t blame the sushi if you’re having trouble with your own short brown trout.

Aquarius: Your hunch pays off when the world suddenly decides that henna goat tattoos are the latest craze, but things go awry when you show up with your airbrush and a bag of carrots. Just your luck, people want tattoos of goats, not ink on their goats. Ah well, maybe you’ll run across a baa-aaad biker gang.

Pisces: It’s not easy to catch a break. Let it crash to the ground beside you, then go over and pick up the pieces. Remember, a break isn’t lucky if it gives you a concussion.