You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2011.

Aries: Lady Luck streaks through your life on Wednesday, coming so close you can tell if she’s had a boob job. Be careful, that celestial body glitter is hard to explain when you get home.

Taurus: You’re not mad enough to let loose the dogs of war, but the poodles of pissed-off are ready to run. Hike your leg and get it all out of your system before you make a mess on the carpet.

Gemini: Those Wonder Twin powers will activate on Thursday, in the shape of a giant martini glass and a bucket of ice. Find a superhero who produces gin, and you’ve got a party.

Cancer: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Seriously, who wants to be that strong? Hide under the bed for a few days, and all it can do is leave you a nasty note. Thank goodness words can never harm you.

Leo: A new office threat is about as dangerous to you as a chicken hawk to Foghorn Leghorn. You may experience some cartoon violence, mild amusement and the realization that one of your co-workers is Looney Tunes.

Virgo: This week you’re an irresistible force, and someone else is an immoveable object. You may not make any progress, but you should have some fun banging against each other for a while.

Libra: On Friday you’re moving faster than a roller disco skater in a punk rock minefield. Either speed up the boogie or get some Ramones, because someone’s about to blow your sequined shorts off.

Scorpio: Stay away from mad women, hot glue guns and bad toupees unless you want to spend the next week looking like Bigfoot pulled through a lawnmower. It may not be your worst first date, but it’ll be close.

Sagittarius: Some are born to swim with the sharks, but you were made to float with the goldfish. Don’t worry if your next project goes belly up; one quick flush and you’ll be on your way to a better place.

Capricorn: The universe may not gift-wrap your wildest desires and leave them on your doorstep, but you do occasionally receive a cool gift bag with a pencil and some gum. Be thankful, because someone else just got the eraser and the wrapper.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the poop, some days you’re the scoop. Either way, most of your days are filled with crap until you become top dog. Go sniff out some fresh opportunities; it’s only brown-nosing if you’re doing it wrong.

Pisces: You’re feeling so good on Friday, it would take a jackhammer and three strong men to burst your bubble. Luckily, they’re all distracted by that tub of baby oil on your dresser, so enjoy this fine mood for as long as you can.

Aries:  Normally you’re running around like Marvin the Martian, wondering “Where’s the ka-boom?” But this week, you slow down and enjoy a leisurely pace. Don’t expect people to match your speed, though.  The lowest setting you have is Mach 2.

Taurus: You want to help, but not every situation is an emergency requiring your expertise. Know what happened to the boy who cried wolf? He had the crap beaten out of him by the local predators union, Wolf #359.

Gemini: Thursday won’t be your day, especially if you have a cellphone and a bottle of vodka. Drunk-texting your grandma is the least painful scenario, so practice your apologies now.

Cancer: If you have a quiet confidence about you, it’s only because your sweetie found the duct tape. Let everyone know how good you are the traditional way: write it on the bathroom walls.

Leo: The path to enlightenment is fraught with challenge, but even Buddha would pimp-slap some of these idiots. Take a day and do something more relaxing than work, like meditating on a freeway median.

Virgo: The office has become a roller coaster ride, and all your co-workers are one-armed, toothless carnies. The only way you’ll make it to the weekend is by throwing corn dogs and fried Twinkies at them as a distraction. At least it’ll finally make staff meetings interesting.

Libra: Trying to make a bad situation better is like putting lipstick on a pig. But the pig actually has a date on Friday and a high-limit credit card, so why fight it? Ask her to fix you up and you’ll be in hog heaven.

Scorpio: Don’t fork the toaster just because your mojo needs a zap; call up that honey you’ve been thinking about. They’ll jump you without the cables.

Sagittarius: Good luck is rarer than a blue moon, but you know what to do. Get a telescope, a t-shirt cannon and enough Cornflower-colored dye to soak that bad boy down.

Capricorn: Quit wishing for that lucky break. If wishes were horses, we’d all be armpit-deep in apple cores and horse crap. Cut Mr. Ed out of the action and saddle up some determination.

Aquarius: Not every romance has a happy ending; sometimes you actually get the girl. Turn that storybook into a tawdry dime-store novel and there could be a happy ending for both of you tonight.

Pisces: A major award is coming your way so expect some attention that may inflate your wallet but not your ego. Luckily, flattery doesn’t turn your head because you have the fused spine of low-self esteem.

Aries: You’re unluckier than Charlie Sheen with a speech impediment. You aim for a party, but you’ll end up with an evening full of snooker and rugs. Your luck changes because while both can be beaten, there’s no reason to press charges.

Taurus: Life is like a bat; just when you’re prepared for it to bite your neck, it gets tangled in your hair and makes you scream until you wee down your own leg. Stay out of the attic and your days will be puddle-free.

Gemini:  Your week is filled with small blessings. Put your best foot forward because you’re about to slide into a few, but you may need to scrape your shoes afterward.

Cancer: The world is at your fingertips and you’ve discovered it is ticklish. Try not to abuse your cosmic power, or people will blame you for the recent earthquakes.

Leo: Lately you’ve had more drama than a drag queen in a Spanish-language soap opera. If it all seemed absurd, take heart; the final credits are rolling and you’ll have a nice rest before the next episode.

Virgo: If every cloud has a silver lining, it’s only because duct tape is holding it together. Clouds are notoriously difficult to cash in anyway. You’re better off hoping for a spare $20 to blow across the parking lot.

Libra: A problem you’re facing can only be solved with diplomacy or blackmail, and your people skills are a little rusty. Your photography skills are much better, though, and someone has low windows.

Scorpio: People are drawn to you like moths to a homemade bug zapper. It could be that light in your eyes or the way you twitch when you get your wires crossed.

Sagittarius: Next time you curse when you shut your hand in the car door, look around: you’ve just emitted a klutz mating call. The next shriek of pain you hear could be your future sweetie fighting off a rogue shopping cart.

Capricorn: There may be more fish in the sea, but every one you’ve caught declares “Not tonight, I’ve got a haddock.” Don’t blame the sushi if you’re having trouble with your own short brown trout.

Aquarius: Your hunch pays off when the world suddenly decides that henna goat tattoos are the latest craze, but things go awry when you show up with your airbrush and a bag of carrots. Just your luck, people want tattoos of goats, not ink on their goats. Ah well, maybe you’ll run across a baa-aaad biker gang.

Pisces: It’s not easy to catch a break. Let it crash to the ground beside you, then go over and pick up the pieces. Remember, a break isn’t lucky if it gives you a concussion.

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