Aries: You’ve been kissing a lot of toads, but there’s still no prince in sight. Do yourself a favor and just shake hands with the next dozen; the warts will be far less conspicuous that way.
Taurus: A puzzling problem at work gives you a headache. Quit banging the conundrum slowly and just play “Wipe Out” on that bad boy, you’ll find your rhythm soon enough.
Gemini: If a weasel, a shaman and Charlie Sheen walked into a bar together, they couldn’t dream up the weird week you’re about to have. Make sure your shoes are tied, your morals are loose and your insurance is paid up.
Cancer: You’re ready for life to slow down a bit, but when pigeons start perching, it’s time to mosey along before someone mistakes you for a gargoyle and slaps you on a church roof. If that happens, the hours are good and you wouldn’t need Botox.
Leo: You’re pulling so many rabbits out of your hat, people will wonder if there’s a hole in your chapeau. At least you’re not yanking bunnies out of your pants; otherwise folks would just think you have a bunch of wild hares up your butt.
Virgo: The good luck you’ve awaited finally shows up, but it arrives at 4:17 p.m. instead of 4:15 p.m. as you expected. Feel free to write a nasty letter of complaint to the Universe, especially if you can handle bad-tempered dragons as Customer Service reps.
Libra: Although you’ve been braced against the coming crapstorm, the worst you’ll get is a light dusting of thunderpoots. Count your blessings, hold your nose and just be glad Karma didn’t have broccoli for lunch.
Scorpio: A rolling stone gathers no moss, but that’s only because Keith Richards hasn’t figured out how to smoke it yet. Keep moving and maybe he won’t taken a lichen to you.
Sagittarius: You know the answer, you just don’t want to hear it. Take your fingers out of your ears, quit singing “la-la-la” and face your fear. The bogeyman can’t hurt you if you threaten him with a bikini wax.
Capricorn: Take a sick day even if you don’t need it. An ounce of prevention may be worth a pound of cure, but it could bring at least three pounds on the open market. And perhaps a hot date in a sexy nurse outfit as well.
Aquarius: It’s one thing to not see the forest for the trees, but you’re being blinded by a pack of seeds. Back up and try again before someone fools you with a tree-shaped air freshener.
Pisces: Your dreams are so trippy, they make “Inception” look like a Steven Seagal flick. Start writing those stories down, because everyone wants to see the sparkly vampire-munching monster movie.