Aries: Tuesday will be a case of “Fool me once, shame on you.” Wednesday will be “Fool me twice, shame on me.” When Friday rolls around, you’re down to “Try to fool me again with this club upside your head, sucker.” That should end the foolishness for a while.

Taurus: Seal yourself up in your personal fortress of solitude for some quiet time. Enjoy the peace, but don’t get too comfortable. Eventually you’ll have to come out and buy more toilet paper.

Gemini: Something you’ve been waiting for will finally arrive. Could be a proposal, some cash or just the latest Justin Bieber album from Columbia House. If it’s the latter, be grateful for plain brown wrappers.

Cancer: You know what has to be done, so pull up your big girl panties and do it.Don’t have any? Go get some, because thongs don’t count. No one takes you seriously with floss between your butt cheeks.

Leo: Piss n’ vinegar is a wonderful motivator, but it makes a lousy salad dressing. Keep things smooth; it’s harder to be rowdy with Ranch, but it goes with anything life dishes up.

Virgo:  The universe may not be all beer and Skittles, but you’ll at least earn a couple of wine coolers and some Red Hots. Keep plugging away and you’ll be in the premium candy aisle before you know it.

Libra: Do something outrageous this weekend, like mixing stripes with polka-dots. Hey, if Lady Gaga can shop for outfits at the deli counter, your wild side won’t even earn a parking violation from the fashion police.

Scorpio: Some days you’re the supervillian, other days you’re the Bond girl, but you’re never the star of the show. Grab that tuxedo and step into the spotlight; those around you will be shaken and stirred.

Sagittarius: A recent bout of cabin fever means you’ve found new uses for Velcro, baby oil and an egg beater. While it won’t win you any awards, your new talents will add a whole new dimension to date night.

Capricorn: Feel like your co-workers are leather-bound volumes of “War and Peace” while you have all the intellectual appeal of a venereal disease brochure? You can either improve your mind or find a lower class of friends. Maybe Snooki’s in the mood for a new BFF.

Aquarius: It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, but it requires a fast-moving one to do it in front of his wife. Confession may be good for the soul, but it’s hard on the body, especially if your loved one has a black belt in dopeslap.

Pisces: There’s a light in your eyes and a spring in your step; good news has arrived or you’ve been zapped by static electricity on the doorknob. Either way, quit dragging your feet.