Aries: You’ll get a shock when your honey asks you to listen for the pitter patter of little feet. Luckily, it’s just the sound of mice gnawing through your favorite T-shirts. If someone starts knitting booties instead of knocking them, though, you may be in trouble.

Taurus: Digging in your heels and not going with the crowd?  Your friends can lead a horse to water, but they can’t make you pay for a three-drink-minimum just to see what a contortionist can do with ping pong balls and a slide rule.

Gemini: A secret from your past bubbles up to the surface like an underwater fart. Start swimming now toward shore or you’ll be treading water with your loved ones.

Cancer: The grass may be greener on the other side, but that’s because the neighbors laid down Astroturf over a toxic waste dump. If your yard is full of rocks, it means you have the stones to handle anything.

Leo: Just because you enjoy the spotlight doesn’t mean everyone does. Quit shining that beam and yelling “A-ha!” at your family, or your only friends will be Ashton Kutcher and that guy from “To Catch A Predator.”

Virgo: Your inner dictator cries out for control, but the only thing under your thumb is a patch of dry skin. If you can’t let go, watch a full season of “Bridezillas” while drinking tequila and NyQuil. That way you’re a danger to no one but yourself and your own brain cells.

Libra: You wanted to tackle a brave new world, instead you’re receiving a wedgie from a freaking scary universe. When you pull the underwear off your ears, sign up for cosmic Krav Maga lessons.

Scorpio: Think you’re always right in the fight? Take a dive, and fast. The agony of defeat is nothing compared to the torture of your significant other stretching out an argument for a month.

Sagittarius: Pressing problems can be solved by taking a few irons out of the fire. If you’re too busy for that, just wear plaid polyester for a week. You’ll be left with plenty of alone time to work things out.

Capricorn:  Freaked out because someone has your moves? Quit butting heads long enough to realize you’re ramming a mirror. The large shards of glass in your pointy head should have been a clue.

Aquarius: Your job is in danger after you’re left alone with the photocopier, a pack of highlighters and an hour to spare. You get the last laugh, however, when your “Bite Me” butt cheek collage wins a national art prize.

Pisces: Lately you’ve had way too much stick, not enough carrot. On Thursday, you’ll get carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, no strings attached. While you’re noshing, you might hide the stick.

Advertisements