Aries: Scared of your own shadow? You should be. No one wants six more weeks of winter. On the other hand, if your groundhog stands erect for more than four hours, see a doctor.

Taurus: If you’re tired of life giving you the short end of the stick, prod it with that ten-foot pole never want to use. You could end up with more wood than you can handle, though, so keep a few motivated beavers on speed dial.

Gemini: You’re feeling more out of place than Jane Austen at a monster truck rally.  That’s never stopped you before, so hop into the cab of Bigfoot and roar away with Mr. Darcy. Better still, tell him to move over so you can personally crush a few cars.

Cancer: Life is like a seventh grade dance; your attitude determines whether there’s a spring in your step or a fall in your arch. Put on your own groovy dance mix, watch the tall kid’s feet and rock your day.

Leo: This week you’ll discover five new uses for Murphy’s Oil Soap and only two of them are considered crimes against nature. Take some time while the rash heals to consider money-making opportunities with the other three.

Virgo: You’re in charge of your world on Tuesday; put your best foot forward and it will kick someone’s butt all by itself. Lucky thing you bought those steel-toe stilettos.

Libra: Just when you decide to dance to your own drummer, all you hear are bad guitar solos of “Stairway to Heaven.” Quit dating wannabe musicians and learn how to pluck your own instrument—the music will be much sweeter.

Scorpio: You’re looking for trouble on Wednesday, so expect it to show up between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. It won’t arrive until 6:54 p.m., it brings the wrong tools and it doesn’t even say it’s sorry.

Sagittarius:  You may realize the lights are on but nobody’s home, but that doesn’t mean you can rummage through the attic and play with a person’s shutters. Just walk away and let the bulb burn out by itself.

Capricorn: At last, your ship has come in! Too bad you don’t have a boat license for it. Until the paperwork’s done, all you can do is sit behind the wheel and make zoom-zoom noises.

Aquarius: A decision on Sunday will either change your life or just make you change your underwear. If there’s traffic or cheap tacos involved, it could do both.

Pisces: Making sense so others can understand you is a full-time job. Take a day off and let your hippie-dippie dreams soar through the cosmos, man. Reality is your bean bag chair, smoosh it until it’s comfy and sticks to your butt.

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