You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2011.

Aries: You’ve been kissing a lot of toads, but there’s still no prince in sight. Do yourself a favor and just shake hands with the next dozen; the warts will be far less conspicuous that way.

Taurus: A puzzling problem at work gives you a headache. Quit banging the conundrum slowly and just play “Wipe Out” on that bad boy, you’ll find your rhythm soon enough.

Gemini: If a weasel, a shaman and Charlie Sheen walked into a bar together, they couldn’t dream up the weird week you’re about to have. Make sure your shoes are tied, your morals are loose and your insurance is paid up.

Cancer: You’re ready for life to slow down a bit, but when pigeons start perching, it’s time to mosey along before someone mistakes you for a gargoyle and slaps you on a church roof. If that happens, the hours are good and you wouldn’t need Botox.

Leo: You’re pulling so many rabbits out of your hat, people will wonder if there’s a hole in your chapeau. At least you’re not yanking bunnies out of your pants; otherwise folks would just think you have a bunch of wild hares up your butt.

Virgo: The good luck you’ve awaited finally shows up, but it arrives at 4:17 p.m. instead of 4:15 p.m. as you expected. Feel free to write a nasty letter of complaint to the Universe, especially if you can handle bad-tempered dragons as Customer Service reps.

Libra: Although you’ve been braced against the coming crapstorm, the worst you’ll get is a light dusting of thunderpoots. Count your blessings, hold your nose and just be glad Karma didn’t have broccoli for lunch.

Scorpio: A rolling stone gathers no moss, but that’s only because Keith Richards hasn’t figured out how to smoke it yet. Keep moving and maybe he won’t taken a lichen to you.

Sagittarius: You know the answer, you just don’t want to hear it. Take your fingers out of your ears, quit singing “la-la-la” and face your fear.  The bogeyman can’t hurt you if you threaten him with a bikini wax.

Capricorn: Take a sick day even if you don’t need it. An ounce of prevention may be worth a pound of cure, but it could bring at least three pounds on the open market. And perhaps a hot date in a sexy nurse outfit as well.

Aquarius: It’s one thing to not see the forest for the trees, but you’re being blinded by a pack of seeds. Back up and try again before someone fools you with a tree-shaped air freshener.

Pisces: Your dreams are so trippy, they make “Inception” look like a Steven Seagal flick. Start writing those stories down, because everyone wants to see the sparkly vampire-munching monster movie.

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Aries: Tuesday will be a case of “Fool me once, shame on you.” Wednesday will be “Fool me twice, shame on me.” When Friday rolls around, you’re down to “Try to fool me again with this club upside your head, sucker.” That should end the foolishness for a while.

Taurus: Seal yourself up in your personal fortress of solitude for some quiet time. Enjoy the peace, but don’t get too comfortable. Eventually you’ll have to come out and buy more toilet paper.

Gemini: Something you’ve been waiting for will finally arrive. Could be a proposal, some cash or just the latest Justin Bieber album from Columbia House. If it’s the latter, be grateful for plain brown wrappers.

Cancer: You know what has to be done, so pull up your big girl panties and do it.Don’t have any? Go get some, because thongs don’t count. No one takes you seriously with floss between your butt cheeks.

Leo: Piss n’ vinegar is a wonderful motivator, but it makes a lousy salad dressing. Keep things smooth; it’s harder to be rowdy with Ranch, but it goes with anything life dishes up.

Virgo:  The universe may not be all beer and Skittles, but you’ll at least earn a couple of wine coolers and some Red Hots. Keep plugging away and you’ll be in the premium candy aisle before you know it.

Libra: Do something outrageous this weekend, like mixing stripes with polka-dots. Hey, if Lady Gaga can shop for outfits at the deli counter, your wild side won’t even earn a parking violation from the fashion police.

Scorpio: Some days you’re the supervillian, other days you’re the Bond girl, but you’re never the star of the show. Grab that tuxedo and step into the spotlight; those around you will be shaken and stirred.

Sagittarius: A recent bout of cabin fever means you’ve found new uses for Velcro, baby oil and an egg beater. While it won’t win you any awards, your new talents will add a whole new dimension to date night.

Capricorn: Feel like your co-workers are leather-bound volumes of “War and Peace” while you have all the intellectual appeal of a venereal disease brochure? You can either improve your mind or find a lower class of friends. Maybe Snooki’s in the mood for a new BFF.

Aquarius: It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, but it requires a fast-moving one to do it in front of his wife. Confession may be good for the soul, but it’s hard on the body, especially if your loved one has a black belt in dopeslap.

Pisces: There’s a light in your eyes and a spring in your step; good news has arrived or you’ve been zapped by static electricity on the doorknob. Either way, quit dragging your feet.

Aries: You’ll get a shock when your honey asks you to listen for the pitter patter of little feet. Luckily, it’s just the sound of mice gnawing through your favorite T-shirts. If someone starts knitting booties instead of knocking them, though, you may be in trouble.

Taurus: Digging in your heels and not going with the crowd?  Your friends can lead a horse to water, but they can’t make you pay for a three-drink-minimum just to see what a contortionist can do with ping pong balls and a slide rule.

Gemini: A secret from your past bubbles up to the surface like an underwater fart. Start swimming now toward shore or you’ll be treading water with your loved ones.

Cancer: The grass may be greener on the other side, but that’s because the neighbors laid down Astroturf over a toxic waste dump. If your yard is full of rocks, it means you have the stones to handle anything.

Leo: Just because you enjoy the spotlight doesn’t mean everyone does. Quit shining that beam and yelling “A-ha!” at your family, or your only friends will be Ashton Kutcher and that guy from “To Catch A Predator.”

Virgo: Your inner dictator cries out for control, but the only thing under your thumb is a patch of dry skin. If you can’t let go, watch a full season of “Bridezillas” while drinking tequila and NyQuil. That way you’re a danger to no one but yourself and your own brain cells.

Libra: You wanted to tackle a brave new world, instead you’re receiving a wedgie from a freaking scary universe. When you pull the underwear off your ears, sign up for cosmic Krav Maga lessons.

Scorpio: Think you’re always right in the fight? Take a dive, and fast. The agony of defeat is nothing compared to the torture of your significant other stretching out an argument for a month.

Sagittarius: Pressing problems can be solved by taking a few irons out of the fire. If you’re too busy for that, just wear plaid polyester for a week. You’ll be left with plenty of alone time to work things out.

Capricorn:  Freaked out because someone has your moves? Quit butting heads long enough to realize you’re ramming a mirror. The large shards of glass in your pointy head should have been a clue.

Aquarius: Your job is in danger after you’re left alone with the photocopier, a pack of highlighters and an hour to spare. You get the last laugh, however, when your “Bite Me” butt cheek collage wins a national art prize.

Pisces: Lately you’ve had way too much stick, not enough carrot. On Thursday, you’ll get carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, no strings attached. While you’re noshing, you might hide the stick.

Aries: Scared of your own shadow? You should be. No one wants six more weeks of winter. On the other hand, if your groundhog stands erect for more than four hours, see a doctor.

Taurus: If you’re tired of life giving you the short end of the stick, prod it with that ten-foot pole never want to use. You could end up with more wood than you can handle, though, so keep a few motivated beavers on speed dial.

Gemini: You’re feeling more out of place than Jane Austen at a monster truck rally.  That’s never stopped you before, so hop into the cab of Bigfoot and roar away with Mr. Darcy. Better still, tell him to move over so you can personally crush a few cars.

Cancer: Life is like a seventh grade dance; your attitude determines whether there’s a spring in your step or a fall in your arch. Put on your own groovy dance mix, watch the tall kid’s feet and rock your day.

Leo: This week you’ll discover five new uses for Murphy’s Oil Soap and only two of them are considered crimes against nature. Take some time while the rash heals to consider money-making opportunities with the other three.

Virgo: You’re in charge of your world on Tuesday; put your best foot forward and it will kick someone’s butt all by itself. Lucky thing you bought those steel-toe stilettos.

Libra: Just when you decide to dance to your own drummer, all you hear are bad guitar solos of “Stairway to Heaven.” Quit dating wannabe musicians and learn how to pluck your own instrument—the music will be much sweeter.

Scorpio: You’re looking for trouble on Wednesday, so expect it to show up between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. It won’t arrive until 6:54 p.m., it brings the wrong tools and it doesn’t even say it’s sorry.

Sagittarius:  You may realize the lights are on but nobody’s home, but that doesn’t mean you can rummage through the attic and play with a person’s shutters. Just walk away and let the bulb burn out by itself.

Capricorn: At last, your ship has come in! Too bad you don’t have a boat license for it. Until the paperwork’s done, all you can do is sit behind the wheel and make zoom-zoom noises.

Aquarius: A decision on Sunday will either change your life or just make you change your underwear. If there’s traffic or cheap tacos involved, it could do both.

Pisces: Making sense so others can understand you is a full-time job. Take a day off and let your hippie-dippie dreams soar through the cosmos, man. Reality is your bean bag chair, smoosh it until it’s comfy and sticks to your butt.