Aries: You’ll face a challenge this week, and it doesn’t include gladiator chicks with giant Q-Tips or eating the personal parts of a giant squid. It may, however, involve an inordinate amount of unwaxed dental floss and some knitting needles. Don’t worry, you’ll soon get the point.

Taurus: Lately you’ve been about three nuts short of a toolbox. Take some time off to check your hardware and pick up some new screws before your tool rusts away from disuse.

Gemini: Little birdies may chirp in your ear, but you’ll be better off listening to an angry goat. He may horn in on the conversation, but he’ll give you the straight poop. Besides, those birds have major rage and pig-related issues.

Cancer: You may not be the brightest bulb in the room, but you’re probably twisted enough to be a compact fluorescent, which just means you’re efficient and pompous at the same time.

Leo: A journey of a thousand miles can begin with a single step, but you’ll go farther if you simply jump to conclusions.  Those ridiculous theories may not be right, but they’ll get you more air than Michael Jordan.

Virgo: Tense? You’re stretched so tight, your butt goes “twang!” when you pass gas. Relax those cheeks before you snap and take someone’s eye out.

Libra: Being lonely is one thing, but cruising Home Depot at 3 a.m. because you heard they had stud finders is a wee bit desperate. Pull your dignity back up from around your ankles and do what everyone else does: Photoshop your head onto a model’s bod and slap it on Craigslist.

Scorpio: If you love something set it free. After that, change the locks because it can’t find a job and will land right back on your couch. Love it some more by switching your phone number, too.

Sagittarius: A wave of nostalgia hits you on Friday, but don’t get caught in the undertow and end up wearing  jelly shoes and a Flashdance sweatshirt to work on Monday. Some things are best left hidden in that photo album under your mattress.

Capricorn: Some people are born to greatness, others have it thrust upon them, usually when the world has them bent over backwards and slightly drunk. Watch out if greatness gives you the eye at a party.

Aquarius: You’re more wired than a pack of squirrels on Red Bull.  Take on a new challenge, like teaching manners to television pundits or keeping underwear on Britney Spears. That’ll keep your tail bushy for a while.

Pisces:  You’ve been up against the ropes so much, people believe you’re into bondage. Never fear, you’re stepping back into the ring and kicking karma’s butt this week. Just don’t scream for Adrian, that’s so 1976.

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