Aries: A rainbow points you to some treasure on Friday. Don’t expect any pot of gold with dancing leprechauns, though. Chances are you’ll find a quarter stuck in your kid’s nose after she’s spent some time at the face-painting booth.
Taurus: Practical? If you found a cloud with a silver lining, you would strip it down and sell it for scrap. Stay in that frame of mind; if you have pie-in-the-sky friends, at least you’ll eat well.
Gemini: If something is too good to be true, you may not be able to sell it on eBay. Make an infomercial and slap it on at 3 a.m. Anyone who watches the overnight “Three’s Company” marathon is fair game.
Cancer: Tuesday fits you like a favorite pair of jeans; it’s comfy and makes your butt look good. But watch out for Thursday: it scratches like that Christmas sweater Grandma made you out of the dog’s hair. A flea collar might help.
Leo: You are at peace with the universe. Too bad the rest of the world didn’t get the memo, since it acts like a drunk-dialing ex-girlfriend with daddy issues. Set the phone to silent and the glare on stun.
Virgo: A surprise awaits you on Friday. Are you sure you know where those “special” pictures from your last vacation went? If not, stay off the Internet for a few months.
Libra: There’s a world beyond your wildest dreams, which is really saying something, since karma would need a hug and a teddy bear after peeking into your psyche. Step out into something new, just make sure your insurance is paid up first.
Scorpio: A beaten-up desk, a sink and your bare butt cheeks. Answer: what are three things marked “free” beside the road? Bet that’s the last time you drink from a clown’s navel at a bachelor party.
Sagittarius: There may be a fine line between love and hate, but there’s an army of Sharpies between you and your office mate. Blow off that big proposal the boss wants and spend your time building the paper clip crossbow. You’ll need it.
Capricorn: Still waters may run deep, but they also have a layer of green slime on top. Clear the algae off your head and make some waves on Saturday. You could meet someone who enjoys the motion of your ocean.
Aquarius: Good fortune falls into your lap this week, but it won’t dance for your $20 bill. Sorry, but even Lady Luck has some dignity in spite of those Lucite stripper heels. Enjoy the impact but don’t expect a long ride.
Pisces: Playing Whack-a-Mole with your career has only left you with some bruised rodents. Get those critters together for a committee meeting and free donuts before you’re sued for workplace harassment.