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Aries: You’ll face a challenge this week, and it doesn’t include gladiator chicks with giant Q-Tips or eating the personal parts of a giant squid. It may, however, involve an inordinate amount of unwaxed dental floss and some knitting needles. Don’t worry, you’ll soon get the point.
Taurus: Lately you’ve been about three nuts short of a toolbox. Take some time off to check your hardware and pick up some new screws before your tool rusts away from disuse.
Gemini: Little birdies may chirp in your ear, but you’ll be better off listening to an angry goat. He may horn in on the conversation, but he’ll give you the straight poop. Besides, those birds have major rage and pig-related issues.
Cancer: You may not be the brightest bulb in the room, but you’re probably twisted enough to be a compact fluorescent, which just means you’re efficient and pompous at the same time.
Leo: A journey of a thousand miles can begin with a single step, but you’ll go farther if you simply jump to conclusions. Those ridiculous theories may not be right, but they’ll get you more air than Michael Jordan.
Virgo: Tense? You’re stretched so tight, your butt goes “twang!” when you pass gas. Relax those cheeks before you snap and take someone’s eye out.
Libra: Being lonely is one thing, but cruising Home Depot at 3 a.m. because you heard they had stud finders is a wee bit desperate. Pull your dignity back up from around your ankles and do what everyone else does: Photoshop your head onto a model’s bod and slap it on Craigslist.
Scorpio: If you love something set it free. After that, change the locks because it can’t find a job and will land right back on your couch. Love it some more by switching your phone number, too.
Sagittarius: A wave of nostalgia hits you on Friday, but don’t get caught in the undertow and end up wearing jelly shoes and a Flashdance sweatshirt to work on Monday. Some things are best left hidden in that photo album under your mattress.
Capricorn: Some people are born to greatness, others have it thrust upon them, usually when the world has them bent over backwards and slightly drunk. Watch out if greatness gives you the eye at a party.
Aquarius: You’re more wired than a pack of squirrels on Red Bull. Take on a new challenge, like teaching manners to television pundits or keeping underwear on Britney Spears. That’ll keep your tail bushy for a while.
Pisces: You’ve been up against the ropes so much, people believe you’re into bondage. Never fear, you’re stepping back into the ring and kicking karma’s butt this week. Just don’t scream for Adrian, that’s so 1976.
Aries: A rainbow points you to some treasure on Friday. Don’t expect any pot of gold with dancing leprechauns, though. Chances are you’ll find a quarter stuck in your kid’s nose after she’s spent some time at the face-painting booth.
Taurus: Practical? If you found a cloud with a silver lining, you would strip it down and sell it for scrap. Stay in that frame of mind; if you have pie-in-the-sky friends, at least you’ll eat well.
Gemini: If something is too good to be true, you may not be able to sell it on eBay. Make an infomercial and slap it on at 3 a.m. Anyone who watches the overnight “Three’s Company” marathon is fair game.
Cancer: Tuesday fits you like a favorite pair of jeans; it’s comfy and makes your butt look good. But watch out for Thursday: it scratches like that Christmas sweater Grandma made you out of the dog’s hair. A flea collar might help.
Leo: You are at peace with the universe. Too bad the rest of the world didn’t get the memo, since it acts like a drunk-dialing ex-girlfriend with daddy issues. Set the phone to silent and the glare on stun.
Virgo: A surprise awaits you on Friday. Are you sure you know where those “special” pictures from your last vacation went? If not, stay off the Internet for a few months.
Libra: There’s a world beyond your wildest dreams, which is really saying something, since karma would need a hug and a teddy bear after peeking into your psyche. Step out into something new, just make sure your insurance is paid up first.
Scorpio: A beaten-up desk, a sink and your bare butt cheeks. Answer: what are three things marked “free” beside the road? Bet that’s the last time you drink from a clown’s navel at a bachelor party.
Sagittarius: There may be a fine line between love and hate, but there’s an army of Sharpies between you and your office mate. Blow off that big proposal the boss wants and spend your time building the paper clip crossbow. You’ll need it.
Capricorn: Still waters may run deep, but they also have a layer of green slime on top. Clear the algae off your head and make some waves on Saturday. You could meet someone who enjoys the motion of your ocean.
Aquarius: Good fortune falls into your lap this week, but it won’t dance for your $20 bill. Sorry, but even Lady Luck has some dignity in spite of those Lucite stripper heels. Enjoy the impact but don’t expect a long ride.
Pisces: Playing Whack-a-Mole with your career has only left you with some bruised rodents. Get those critters together for a committee meeting and free donuts before you’re sued for workplace harassment.
Aries: Life can be challenging, but you weren’t expecting it to walk up, throw away your Slurpee and poke you in the chest with a tattooed finger. Good thing you’ve been taking those self-defense classes. Even karma has to tap out in a head lock.
Taurus: Being optimistic is one thing, but over-estimating how bright life is can lead to second-degree burns. After all, if you actually have a pocketful of sunshine, you’re likely to end up with some toasted nuts.
Gemini: Things will be better if you find a happy medium in your life. If you can’t find one, make one by grabbing a cranky psychic and tickling her until she piddles on the sofa.
Cancer: A major opportunity invites you to take a risk on Thursday; before you accept, find out if it’s a black tie affair. If it all goes pear-shaped, at least you’ll look snazzy in the mug shot.
Leo: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Could be that birdseed hat you’re wearing. Ditch the props and you’ll be less likely to star in your own Hitchcock remake. Sometimes less attention is a good thing.
Virgo: You have all the right moves, but you’re following the wrong beat. Take up with a different drummer; not only will you quit dancing like Urkel, you’ll be keeping another musician off the street.
Libra: Ready for a moment of quiet desperation? Didn’t think so. Yell, scream and howl when the need arises this week. It’s de-stressing and it will build you a formidable reputation in the dating pool.
Scorpio: You think your laser-like focus is serious business, but the world sees it as a great cat toy. Relax and just chase the dot for a little sport. If you take it too seriously, you’ll smack into the wall.
Sagittarius: Think you have the world’s next greatest idea? Think again, because twelve feet of Velcro, a polar bear and two skateboards won’t make you famous. It will just test the limits of your health insurance.
Capricorn: If you don’t sweat the details, at least exfoliate them once in a while. A good scrubdown may help you remember where you left the kids and why the car smells like fish sticks and greasepaint.
Aquarius: Don’t worry if your illusions are shattered. You have plenty to spare, and that myth about seven years of bad luck only applies to mirrors. Don’t walk barefoot, though, shards of reality can hurt.
Pisces: You’re pulling your life together as best as you can. Who cares if your patchwork tapestry looks like it was woven by a color-blind wombat with a grudge? It’s definitely more interesting than one of those bland, store-bought lives. Perfect histories have no stories.
Going with the 13th zodiac sign? Don’t worry, I didn’t forget you:
Ophiuchus: You feel like a new person awake after a really long nap. Go take that two-day pee you’re needing, then catch up on new trends. Like that William Shatner movie in Esperanto. Or Hammer pants. Maybe grab the latest Vanilla Ice album. You’ll be stylin’ in no time.
A news story making the rounds has astrology fans in an uproar. Is the Earth in a different spot than when the zodiac was first mapped out? Are you really a Capricorn? How will this affect your chances at the lottery/hot date/good parking space?
I defer to the words of a man who knew just as much about the stars as I do: Douglas Adams.
Our 12-sign zodiac system is based on a far more complicated structure than just the position of the stars. Astrologers take into account your birthday, what color underwear you prefer, how many reruns of “I Love Lucy” have hit Alpha Centauri and the number of books Snooki has sold in order to come up with your particular zodiac sign. If you were born on the cusp, further events are factored in, such as how many Senators are wearing fishnet stockings this minute, who will win “American Idol,” and the nearest strip joint where Waldo was last seen.
But if you’re unhappy with your current astrological sign, see this as an opportunity to take another sign for a test drive with zero down and free financing from karma. Grab Aquarius and head out to the country, see how it feels. Or latch onto that old-yet-new-again 13th Babylonian sign and go off-roading. There’s a little of every sign in you, and a bit of you among the stars. Which can be messy, so don’t forget your towel.
(Still worried? Visit this excellent post from Llewellyn Books.)
Aries: Want to put the spark back in your marriage? It’ll take more than jumper cables and nipple rings to electrify your relationship. Try something even more painful, like talking to each other.
Taurus: You’re doing some great work, so stand up and take a bow. If you hide your light under a bushel, you’ll just start a barn fire. It still gets you attention, but the horses will give you dirty looks.
Gemini: There are stars in your eyes on Wednesday. Either your 15 minutes of fame arrives or you really need to put some stickers on that plate glass door.
Cancer: Someone knows what you did New Year’s Eve and once they squawk about it, your reputation will drop faster than a blackbird in Beebe. Fess up now and you’ll ruffle fewer feathers.
Leo: There are days when your fabulousness stuns even yourself. Those days are Tuesday, Thursday and part of Friday. Avoid intersections so you don’t outshine the traffic lights.
Virgo: Some people say ignorance is bliss. These people have never tasted chocolate. Share that leftover Christmas candy with a few needy souls and show them the rich, melty way.
Libra: You will have a moment of insight on Thursday, one minute before your child lights the dog’s fart and torches your brand-new Kindle. Unfortunately, your insight was finally realizing how to download e-books.
Scorpio: You’ve set your resolutions and posted those goals. Now the only thing out of your reach is the treadmill. Ask a beefy friend to rip your butt off the couch and point you in the right direction; you could lose a few quick pounds depending on how long you’ve been growing into the sofa cushions.
Sagittarius: On Friday, you’ll stub your toe. But you’ll stub it on a gold bar. As you pick it up, someone sees it and they call the cops, who take your gold into custody. But aliens suddenly grab the gold and use it as a probe on you. Later, you crap a brick. So nothing out of the ordinary, really.
Capricorn: Someone has you turned around, making you dizzier than an earthworm lost in a Krazy Straw. After their latest stunt, you won’t need Google Maps to find a turnoff.
Aquarius: Don’t despair over your misfortune. Find joy in the simple things: a child’s laugh, a discovered treasure, your ex being audited. These are the moments that make life special.
Pisces: There’s a bad apple in every bunch, but that doesn’t mean you have to bite into it every single time. Toss away the rotten fruit and teach those taste buds to appreciate something better than the bottom of the barrel.