Aries:  You can review this year if you have a strong stomach for horror films; otherwise, start tonguing that new calendar. If you kiss enough of 2011’s butt, maybe next year won’t make you hide under the bed.

Taurus: January’s resolutions will only lead to December’s regrets. Play it safe and set the bar low. If you’re breathing at the end of the year and you still have a TV, you won.

Gemini: Throwing yourself into your work is only good if you have a strong arm. If not, you’re just tossing your time into a pile of Facebook-checking and email obsessing. Do some weight training so you’ll get some distance on that to-do list.

Cancer: Forget someone special this holiday? Act fast to make up, or you’ll be like a zombie wandering into a Benihana’s: dead meat carved up on a platter. Some electronics or jewelry might keep you out of Ginsu range.

Leo: Normally you’re Droopy Dawg after the holidays, but some incredibly good news revs up your motor to full speed. Don’t ask why, just go Speed Racer go!

Virgo: Thinking life will give you lemons? You should be so lucky. Instead, life gives you a sugar-free, chemical-laden artificial lemon-flavored mix. Still, it tastes pretty good with vodka. Use it to knock back a Prozac or two.

Libra: Sure, you could quit smoking, lose weight, eat better and improve yourself for the new year, but you would have nothing to complain about except the high cost of imported kumquats. Right now you can’t annoy people with obnoxious whining because you’re too winded to finish a sentence.

Scorpio: If your lover gave you strawberry-flavored massage oil for Christmas and you’re in the kitchen pouring it over ice cream, you have a problem. Put down the dairy, but take the spoon and the oil back to the bedroom; your honey will remind you what they’re for.

Sagittarius: You’ve overindulged so much this holiday season, your skin tastes like powdered sugar and whiskey. Fill the tub, throw in a few Alka-Seltzers and pretend you’re a submarine. You’ll be launching torpedoes in no time.

Capricorn: Christmas is over, and it’s official: you are now allowed to smack anyone singing “Jingle Bell Rock.” Enjoy.

Aquarius: Helpful hint: taking your decorations down with a leaf blower may save time, but it will make the carpets crunchy for months. Put away the Christmas cheer slowly and you’ll pay for fewer Tetanus shots.

Pisces: Congratulations, you’ve made it through the Christmas blues. Now you just have the rest of winter to be depressed about. Stock up on hot chocolate and Marx Brothers movies, because Groundhog Day is a long time coming.

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