Aries: You occasionally have good ideas, but the self-turning Christmas tree with built-in turbo mode is not one of them. Luckily you’ll trip over the cord and unplug the tree before it can pepper the family with ornaments like a tinseled assassin.

Taurus: Want to give your sweetie the ultimate gift? Dab on some fancy cologne and slap a bow on your butt. The stockings aren’t the only thing hung with care, hubba hubba.

Gemini: Enjoy that iPad under the tree, because Santa Claus is going to pay dearly for it. Sure, your lap dance was better than cookies, but explaining all that glitter to Mrs. Claus as a craft-related accident will be a stretch.

Cancer: Want to see some twinkling lights but you don’t have any decorations up? Grab a bottle of whiskey and a lava lamp. As the evening progresses, you’ll either swear you’re looking at the best Christmas display ever or forget why you started celebrating New Year’s early.

Leo: Congratulations! You made it through another holiday season without shoving a sugar plum up someone’s nose after hearing “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” for the 236th time this year. Celebrate by stocking up on Valentine’s candy.

Virgo: Depressed over the coal in your stocking? Treat yourself to the new Jillian Michaels workout DVD. Soon your toned butt cheeks will squeeze that naughty rock into an oh-so-nice diamond.

Libra: On Sunday the kids go crazy with all the horns, drum kits and ear-shattering video games from the grandparents. You, however, will be spending some quality ‘me’ time in the garage wondering how you ticked off your folks.

Scorpio: You become a folk hero this weekend when you decide to end the myth of ‘One World, One Fruitcake’ and stuff a stick of dynamite in that bad boy.  The rain of day-glow fruit is totally worth it.

Sagittarius: You’ve eaten so many holiday treats this year, your tramp stamp has grown into a mooning movie screen. Get some treadmill action going before people start asking what times “Despicable Me” will be playing on your butt.

Capricorn: If you didn’t get what you wanted this year, don’t blame Santa. Seriously. Those elf ninjas from the North Pole mean business, and you do not want to know what they can do with a sharpened candy cane.

Aquarius: Your warm, fuzzy thought of peace on earth lasted until breakfast and goodwill toward men went about as far as someone could throw an electronic hamster. Hey, at least you beat last year’s record by ten minutes.

Pisces: Yes, it is the thought that counts, but having the gift receipt counts more, especially when you’ve received voice-activated houseslippers with real barnyard sounds. Let those little piggies go “wee wee wee” all the way to the return desk.